theinbetweenismine

just a girl living the expat life

The intricacy of friendship

filed under: Expat stories, friends, this and that


Photo by Julie Johnson on Unsplash

My blog friend Charlotte wrote an interesting blog post about cutting ties with friends the other day and it stirred something up in me that I had thought and wanted to write about before, but which I never put on (digital) paper. 

To get a better base line, go read her post and then come back here. I’ll wait.

Good. So, Charlotte (in a nutshell) wrote about a friend who was basically acting passive-aggressive towards her and then demanded that they could be friends on her terms or not at all, and that’s when Charlotte decided that it might be time to cut ties, because that relationship was way too draining and emotionally stressful to invest in any further. 

If you’re basically asked to do as you’re told, if someone puts demands on your time and emotional availability above all else, and claims that otherwise you’re not a good friend; that’s not friendship.

embrace friendships for what they are.

What her blog post made me think about though was the fact that friendships (can) come in many different shapes and forms and that they can only thrive if we’re willing to embrace them for what they are.

There are different levels of friendship and, in my book, they’re are all worthwhile. In fact, I think they are integral to our wellbeing. 

You know how they say that you partner can meet many, but not ALL your needs? I think that is true in friendships too. 

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I think problems arise only if one person sees the relationship differently or would like the relationship to be more than the other person. It’s hard to accept when you realize that you’re not completely on the same page on how you want your friendship to operate.

The question is: can you accept the friendship for what it is or are you willing to destroy it by demanding more? Because pressuring someone, in my experience, has never done any good, when you’re actually hoping to be closer to someone. It happens naturally or it doesn’t. 

I have been on the receiving end of friendships being cut short because I think I was hoping for more than the other person was willing – or able – to give. That happens, even on the most basic, beginner levels of friendship. And that’s ok. You move on. Hopefully, there are other people to step into that void that want the same from their relationship with you as you want from them. Sometimes, it can be a delicate balance, but it can also be an opportunity to accept a relationship for what it is and still find value in it.

In Charlotte’s case, texting and lunch was not enough for the other person. I have plenty of friends that I have lunch with and occasionally text with and I am perfectly happy with the relationship as is (and I’d like to believe that they’re too). And to be honest, isn’t that what (many) friendships are in adulthood? Keeping taps on each other’s lives via text/social media and the occasional lunch or dinner? We are all stretched thin with our time and the demands that are put on us that it’s hard to keep up with everything. Who has time – and brain space – to hang out all the time? 

With my moving halfway around the world, most of my friends are now scattered around the globe and our connections, while still unbreakable, are impacted by busy schedules, grown-up responsibilities, different time zones, and a gazillion miles. Sometimes, weeks pass without real conversation and my only glimpse into their lives is a post on Instagram or an email WhatsApp message.

Consider yourself lucky if you have people close by that you can actually physically get together with more than once a year! 

be open and accepting of life’s circumstances.

And for the friends that are close by, remember that even if you’re not super-close with someone, every friendship has value and something to offer. As mentioned above, it’s unrealistic to think that a friendship – even a close one –  will meet all of your needs, but it will meet some needs and you should always, always be thankful for the connection, no matter how big or small. It should never be taken for granted. What I find most important is to be open and accepting of life’s circumstances. Don’t let the door on friendship close because of one thing that rubbed you the wrong way. 

I have a lot of friends that I connect with on one level, but not on another and that is totally ok.  Of course, I also have a couple of rare friends that I connect with on (almost) every level. Those are the really special friendships in your life. But, I’d dare say that is not the norm. Just because we only connect on certain levels, doesn’t mean that we can’t be friends. In fact, it possibly means that we very likely will be friends.

Obviously I cherish my close friendships most deeply (as most people do!), but I also really value the looser kind of  friendships I have kept with people over the years. Even if I only talk (or email) with someone twice a year, it means something to me. 

friendships ebb and flow.

If I have learned one valuable lesson over time, it’s that friendships ebb and flow. It’s normal and it’s something that you have to accept as part of life, not as something that reflects negatively on your friendship. There will be times when you’re in each other’s lives a lot and times when you aren’t. 

I have friends that I’ve only known for a couple of years and some that I’ve known for 20+ years, some go back to Kindergarten and Elementary School. It’s impossible to keep up with everybody all of the time and with some, there were years where we didn’t really communicate much at all, but what all these friendships have in common is that neither side ever assumed that the friendship was over just because we didn’t talk for a while, and that both sides were willing to pick up where we left off when the tides of life changed in our favor again. 

Yes, sometimes friendship demands patience. Yes, sometimes it demands accepting that we’re not always getting what we want (I wish I would communicate more often with some of my friends than is currently the case), but if we can accept the moment that we’re in, not make assumptions on the status of our friendships based on how often we talk or see each other, but trust in the bond that we have and be open for anything the other person is willing and able to give at any given moment, then our hearts should be full and happy.

My trip home

filed under: Expat stories, family, food, Germany, reminiscence, travel

I can’t believe it’s been four almost five weeks since I returned from my long-anticipated visit back home with my family. Time just won’t slow down and it’s been hard to get back into my blogging game (as you can tell).

I had an absolutely wonderful time and soaked up every minute. I can also say that I was able to almost check everything of my Germany Bucket List.

Like,

… spending time with my niece and nephew (and the rest of the family)

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You know what was really, really nice about this trip? That I really enjoyed being at home at my parents’ house and that I was part of everyone’s daily routine. Since my sister and BIL were working and the kids were in school, we didn’t do a whole lot of “adventuring” or “vacation stuff”, but it was nice to pretend that I was always part of their daily routines for a while.

I took my niece to her riding lesson and we had a movie night at my sister’s house and various afternoons and dinners where we just hung out together.

… spending time with my best friend

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I didn’t get to spend as much time with my friend as I had hoped to. Shortly after I arrived, she left for an almost two-week stay at a pain clinic (for chronic headaches) where a spot had just opened up. Of course, she had to take it. I wish I could have spent more time with her and build her up a bit more, but I am glad we got to see each other at all. Every hour is precious.

… attending one of my best friends’ wedding

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I was stoked that I was able to attend one of my best friend’s wedding during my visit. We met many moons ago on the Internet, but have become really close over the years and to be able to be there for her (and her new husband) on their wedding day was such a treat (for me and for her!). (Separate recap to come.)

… my nephew’s first communion.

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Last time I visited for my niece’s first communion, so of course I had to make sure that I am there for my nephew’s as well. So glad I could make this happen. (Separate recap to come.)

… eating all the food

My Mom went above and beyond to fulfill all my food cravings. Every day, I made a new request for lunch or dinner and she made it all.

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Mettbrötchen (rolls with freshly minced meat, salt, pepper and onions – OMG!) – pork roast with crackling with sauerkraut and mashed potatoes – Schnibbelskuchen (baked potato wedges with eggs on whole grain bread with sugar beet syrup)

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potato pancakes – green bean soup with sausages – herring in cream sauce with potatoes and bacon bits

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meatballs with kohlrabi and potatoes – waffles with strawberries and ice cream – bratwurst with red cabbage and potatoes

Not pictured: goulash and dumplings, pizza, and  ALL THE FRESH BREAD + ROLLS all day, every day. 

… walking with my Mom

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My Mom has been getting into a regular morning walk routine since I last visited and I did not only join her for one, but many walks (I think five!). It was so great to get out and walk with her, which also gave us the opportunity to talk and just spend time together. I ended up only running once, but the walks were far more important to me this time.

… going  for a run with my cousin (and maybe my sister?)

Unfortunately that didn’t happen and I blame two things: a) bad weather (it rained a lot while I was there!) and b) timing (my cousin and my sister had to work, so there wasn’t as much opportunity), but I still got out for a run around my hometown!

… working out with my Dad

Unfortunately, that also didn’t happen, because my Dad had issues with his shoulder and couldn’t go to the gym with me (and subsequently had surgery scheduled two weeks after I left).

… having  some quality time with my sister

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I got to spend two nights at my sister’s house and I wish I could do that more often. It’s just so nice to hang out, sleep in the same bed and then have breakfast together the next morning (including fancy out-of-the-shower-towel-turbans, ha!) – as if we do that every Saturday. I mean, at least it felt like that… even if in reality, it’s such a rare event.

… seeing an old friend from high school

Timing was difficult because she had to work and my weekends were already filled up with family stuff, but I did get to see my high school friend for a few hours one evening during the week and I am so glad we both were able to make the time to reconnect.

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… spending a day with a dear friend in Köln

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I did get to meet up with one of my longest, dearest friends  in Cologne again and we got to spend some time in our favorite city.  (Separate recap to come.)

… seeing a few other dear (family) friends (BONUS!)

I was able to squeeze in a couple more friends (I got to have coffee with an old pen friend that I hadn’t seen in 20 years and I also  was able to reconnect with a dear friend, who lives in Hamburg now) and we saw two family friends for a few hours and I am so glad we were able to make it happen.

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… shopping for items to bring back to my US home.

Of course, I did shop for some stuff to bring back home (I believe, every expat does!) and even though my must-get list has gotten shorter, there is definitely a few things I always bring back. Wanna know what these things are? I might write a separate post about it, if you’re interested. (Or you can hop on Instagram and Facebook to see the “Germany hauls” some people post, although I am not bringing half of that stuff that other people are bringing back. Just sayin’.)

My time back home was packed full of awesome people, awesome food and I returned to the US with a really full heart.

On the suckiness of goodbyes

filed under: Expat stories, real life

How lucky I am to have something
that makes saying goodbye so hard.

                                               – A. A. Milne 

On Monday morning, I dropped off my family – my parents, my sister, BIL and the munchkins – at the airport after three full weeks of blissful family summer vacation. If you follow me on Instagram, you’ve seen some pictures (and in every single one I am probably grinning like a Cheshire Cat).

What can I say? My family is awesome and I don’t ever get tired of them (not even after three weeks of hanging out 24/7). To tell you that my heart ached seeing them go is a huge understatement. It was more like it was being ripped out of my chest.

Those are the days when I want to get on the plane with them and never look back.

Of course, I didn’t do that.

Of course, I also consider myself very lucky to have family that I miss dearly when I can’t be around them. Heartache is much better than not having a loving relationship with your parents/siblings at all. I get it. I totally do!

I just tend to ‘forget’ that when tears blur my vision and all I wanna do is pull the blanket over my head and shut out the world. Saying goodbye is not getting easier, that’s for sure. In fact, it seems to have gotten harder over time.

Four weeks ago, my parents arrived with my nephew. My sister, BIL and niece came a couple of days later. I have no freaking idea how a whole month is already over again. I find it extremely unfair how slowly time seems to crawl when you’re waiting for something and how fast it speeds by when you’re having fun.

But it is what it is.

I wish there was a way you could hold on to those special moments a little longer. I appreciate them (and the memories we made) every second of every day (and I have 5000+ photos to prove it! Don’t worry, I’ll only pick out a fraction for your viewing pleasure!), but it always seems like precious times keep slipping through my fingers at a much faster rate.

I wasn’t the one traveling through time zones this time, but I feel emotionally jetlagged. I think being ‘left behind’ is almost worse than getting on a plane yourself. You have to go home to a now “empty” apartment. One minute they are there, then they are not.

I felt so lost.

My sister and I are known to bawl our eyes out at goodbyes as is, but I also kept randomly crying throughout the rest of the day. What is this uncontrollable madness?

My sister’s first message, after she got home was “I don’t know how you do this”.
Yeah, me neither. I myself often wonder how I do this.

But then I think about how much I love California and my life here and that we would have never had this fantastic vacation traveling through the Southwest together, if it hadn’t been for me living here.

I’ve realized more than once that there always is a price to pay as a consequence of your life choices and there is no real way to avoid it either. There will always be a “what if…”, no matter what you decide to do.

I often feel like I contemplate the what-ifs a little more than most people, but maybe that is not true. Maybe we just tend to not talk about it with other people that much. It’s futile anyway. But I keep thinking that everybody – in one way or another – must have similar feelings. And there is always the nagging feeling in the back of my mind how things could be different …

If you live far away from your family, how do you deal with this?

Guest post | Dream big

filed under: Expat stories, guest blog post

Today, my friend Kat is filling in for me while I am embarking on a road-trip down the coast with my family.

Kat has been a  dear friend and long-time favorite blogger of mine for years now. She’s a fellow German with a huge amount of wanderlust and she just recently made her dream come true and up and moved to Sweden on a one-way ticket. Today she wants you to know that the only right way to live life is by dreaming big.

If you want to read more about Kat’s adventures in Sweden, check out her blog hejstockholm.com and you can follow her on Twitter @oceansaway.

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I packed my life into a suitcase and moved from Germany to Stockholm, Sweden in February 2015. By that point, I had considered moving to Sweden for a good four years but always found reasons not to. They were valid reasons such as that I didn’t speak Swedish, didn’t have a job waiting for me in Sweden and didn’t have any money saved up. The risk I would be taking seemed overwhelming: what if I didn’t find a job right away? What would I do then? I’d have no one and nothing to fall back on.

The reason I wanted to move in the first place is that I fell head over heels in love with Sweden during a study abroad that I spent in the south of the country. Many of the things people tend to list as reasons not to move here are actually on my pro list: long winters, lots of snow, reserved and introverted people. But there is also this: endless amounts of light and joy during the summer months; waters and forests as far as the I can see (true wilderness!) and few big cities; holidays like Midsummer and Lucia that I thought only existed in the children’s books my mom read to my brother and I when we were growing up; culture and politics rooted in equality, social conscience und common sense. It’s hard to sum up exactly why I love Sweden so much more than Germany or anywhere else I’ve been. Can’t explain love, right?

Speaking of love. The first question anyone asks me in my new chosen home is whether my boyfriend is Swedish. (I wish! Heh.) It’s an immediate assumption everyone makes that I wasn’t really prepared for. According to the majority of people, it seems like the only reason I could’ve possibly decided to come here is that I met a Swede and followed him to his home country. It can be an awkward situation to have to explain that I came here by myself because I wanted this for myself. The most common reaction is empathy and pity. „So… you’re all alone?“, some people will say. „Doesn’t that get lonely? And boring? And scary?“

It is none of those things, and in today’s guest post here on San’s lovely blog I‘d like to tell you why.

These past three months have without a doubt been the best three months of my life. I’ve never been this happy. I’ve never felt this confident about a decision and so glad, in retrospect, to have taken the risk. It feels wonderful to have made this happen for myself, and I now feel like I can take on any other challenge by myself as well.

I’m unsure if it is the cause or the result of a life steeped in wanderlust and wanting to escape, but I love being by myself. I’m an introvert, I suffer from social anxiety, I’m fearful of new things. I’m a very unlikely candidate for a move to a foreign country, is what I’m saying. But here’s what I learned: The dream has to be bigger than the fear – and it’ll work out. I’m afraid all the time, of dozens of things, every single day. But if the dream is bigger than the fear, I push through. Moving to Sweden meant facing one fear after the other, but the dream was bigger than the fear.

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And you know what – since I’m getting all life-lesson-y about this, anyway – here’s another thing: Don’t tell your dreams to small-minded people. That’s a Steve Harvey quote, which is so random, I know, but it’s a damn good quote. I told people in my immediate environment about plans to move to Stockholm and they doubted that I, the introverted loner, could ever manage to attempt this. Surround yourself with like-minded people instead. Having a dream is not stupid or juvenile or idealistic – anyone who has made their dream come true will tell you that. I am telling you that.

In conclusion: Dream big. Dream up something overwhelming and impossible to do all by yourself, and dream beyond, to a place past fear and worry. Then go for it. Just do it. I promise you it’s worth it.

21: Things you wouldn’t know: even more German idioms

filed under: Expat stories, Germany, NaBloPoMo, Things you wouldn't know

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If you’ve been reading my blog for a while, you know that in the last two years during NaBloPoMo, I started a little series about German idioms. Idioms are awesome in every language and the more idioms you know in a foreign language, the closer you’ll get to perfecting your language skills.

J and I still have fun finding (and using and teaching each other!) new idioms both in English and German and since some of you have enjoyed these posts in the past, I thought I’d keep with the tradition and share with you even more German idioms. All of these are (as far as I know) still pretty standard to use. I use all of these (some more than others, just to make sure you’re not thinking that I am giving you outdated resources here!). I hope you enjoy them!

Find the first round of idioms here and the second round here.

“Ich könnte mir in den Arsch beißen.”  I could bite myself in the ass.  It means that you could kick yourself.

“Ich habe die Nase voll.” I have the nose full. This has nothing to do with having a stuffy nose, it simply means that you’re tired or sick of something.

“Hopfen und Malz ist verloren.” Hop and malt is lost. This expression is used to say that something is a lost cause. The idiom stems – surprise surprise! – from beer brewing. What would we Germans do without idioms that have a reference to beer? Exactly. When something in the brewing process went wrong, the ingredients were considered wasted and therefore the chance of getting a good beer was a lost cause.

“Da liegt der Hund begraben .” That’s where the dog is buried. I am not sure where this idiom came from, but the English equivalent is That’s the crux of the matter.

“Hier spielt die Musik.”  Here is where the music is playing. I love this idiom and have heard it a lot. Teachers have often used it in school to get their students’ attention when they were distracted by something else. It means that here is where the action is or where you should pay attention.

“Einen (dicken) Hals haben / bekommen.” To have/get a (thick) neck.  This is an expression of anger or general annoyance. Have you ever been so angry that you could feel your neck muscles tensing? That’s what this is describing. If you say, “ich habe einen (dicken) Hals”, you’re saying that someone or something really annoys you.

“Aus der Reihe tanzen”. To dance outside of the line. This can be used in a negative and positive way and it describes someone who stands out either by getting out of line or acting different from everyone else.

“Seinen Senf dazugeben.” To add your mustard. It means to put in your two cents. Don’t know why we have an obsession with food-related idioms, but there are many!

“Kopfkino”. Head cinema. This is what happens when the imagination runs wild and you involuntarily use your imagination to think of troubling or disgusting things in graphic detail.

“Bist du lebensmüde?” Are you life-tired?  You use that if someone is doing something that is stupid and could possibly get them killed. It’s like asking “are you trying to kill yourself?”

Teach me an idiom! Or ask me for the translation of an English idiom in German!

 

10: 25 years ago, the Berlin wall fell

filed under: Expat stories, Germany, Things you wouldn't know

the wall
This photo was taken in 2006 when I visited Berlin. It was one of the stretches of wall that were still standing.

Yesterday marked the 25th anniversary of the fall of the Berlin Wall, a peaceful victory by people that took to the streets  and courageously resisted a dictatorship and started a peaceful revolution.

I was only thirteen when it happened. Too young to really understand the impact of what was happening, especially because my family lived in the far western part of (West) Germany, close to the Dutch border, and we didn’t have any direct connection (no family, no friends) to East Germany. Yes, of course, I knew about the “two Germanys” and I did understand that something “life-changing” was happening, but at the time, I felt more like a spectator than a “part” of this historical event.

Now, I have a lot of friends that grew up and used to live in East Germany and I’ve visited the united Berlin a couple of times since the wall came down. I am so very grateful for having the privilege of having those wonderful people in my life, and for that – admittedly selfish reason – alone, it was worth for the Berlin wall to come down. Every year I am reminded of that.

When I went to Berlin a few years ago, I obviously walked along the brick path that today marks the location of the former Berlin wall. It always reminds me a bit of the Freedom trail in Boston — similar concept — with the tiny difference that in Berlin, there actually was a 3.6m high wall in its place. Even though there were spots where parts of the wall were still standing (see picture above), it’s hard to imagine now that this wall ran through a very huge part of the city.

To honor the special historic anniversary of its fall yesterday, a Berlin light artist and his brother created the Lichtgrenze ( “border of light”) project. 8,000 luminous, white balloons, perched 3.6 meters (11.8 feet) high on poles – matching the height of the wall that divided the city — recreated the Berlin wall along its original path. The artist said that the reason behind the project was that it would trigger understanding of what it meant to have a wall in front of one’s door. This  is something I struggle with to this day. The wall was basically put up over night and some people woke up and couldn’t cross their streets anymore, because there was a wall there. Seems kinda crazy, right?

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© fallofthewall25.com

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Last night on the 25th anniversary eve of East Germany opening its borders to the West, 8,000 citizens lined up to release the balloons which floated into the sky, one by one, carrying personal messages with them, symbolically reenacting the wall’s collapse. I can only imagine what a beautiful, emotional event that must have been.

I know it must be hard to comprehend how this, something like a wall dividing a city, was even possible. When I watch movies about East Germany, I find it hard to believe that that was the reality behind the wall… the spying on people, the censorship on literature and other media. (Here are a few German movies I’d like to recommend, if you are interested in the topic — and you know, would like an easy-to-swallow history lessons as a side benefit: “Goodbye Lenin”, “The Lives of Others“, “Barbara“, and “The Tunnel“. I think the first three are available on Netflix.)

By no means has the reunification been an easy one. To this day, there are still lingering east-west political, economic and social divisions in the city and country. Voting patterns in east Berlin and eastern Germany are different, and there is still an east-west income and wealth gap. 40 years have left their marks and are not easily wiped away. However, the unification of Germany is still one of the most important historic milestones of my country.

“The fall of the Berlin Wall showed us that dreams can come true – and that nothing has to stay the way it is, no matter how high the hurdles might seem to be.”  — Angela Merkel

Tap, tap… is this thing on?

filed under: Expat stories, family, travel

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In case you noticed, it was a bit quiet here the last few weeks (in case you didn’t, which is totally possible, that’s ok, too. Welcome back!). But I had a good reason to abandon this space for a little bit.
As you might have already figured from Instagram updates (again, if you follow me there), I took a spontaneous, intentionally-unannounced-kind-of-secret trip to Germany to see my family the last few weeks.

In case you’re just finding out about it now and feel kind of puzzled or even a bit disappointed as to why I didn’t tell you about my travel plans, I want you to know: it was nothing personal. This was not about you or our friendship, this trip was about me. I didn’t tell anyone in advance. Only my parents knew.

I didn’t plan or even expect to travel home this summer. It was a last minute decision and there were some good reasons for me to go. My Mom called a few weeks ago, still blissfully happy after the wonderful surprise my sister and I were able to pull off for my parents’ 40th anniversary in May, and all she said was: it’s time to surprise someone else.

My niece Greta started school in August (WHAT?) and my Mom thought it would be a really great surprise for my sister if I showed up unannounced for this once-in-a-lifetime event. After all, I am also Greta’s godmother, and obviously I couldn’t agree fast enough. After getting the OK from my supervisor and scouring the internet for more or less (less being the operative word) affordable flight deals, the decision was made quickly.

Since I couldn’t tell my sister that I was coming (do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a secret from your own sister??), I decided to not tell anyone else either.
A) I didn’t want to put anyone in the situation of accidentally spilling the beans and B) I kinda liked the idea of having this secret trip coming up that nobody else knew about.

Most of my trips back home are meticulously planned in advance and packed to the brim with plans, events, family gatherings and get-togethers. It’s always fun and I always love seeing everyone, but to be honest, it’s never much of a vacation. Since nobody knew that I was coming, I decided to take this time for just myself and my family. It was going to be a real vacation this time.

22 days later and I am back in CA with a big smile on my face, sparkling eyes and a feeling of having gotten much needed rest and a full dose of family recharge. I didn’t realize how stressed out (in some ways) I had been over the summer and how much I needed this time to slow down, unplug and spend time with the people I love most.

The first few days back here, I always feel a little off, but I am ready to jump back into my life here and hopefully restart regular posting on this ol’ blog. There definitely are some things that I need to catch up on! I haven’t told you about the fantastic belated anniversary trip that J and I took in July, I also haven’t blogged about the wonderful weekend that I spent with  Caryn in Los Angeles, and I am sure you want to know how surprising my sister played out. I promise, I’ll get to all of that… stay tuned!

Things you wouldn’t know: The thing about middle names

filed under: Expat stories, Germany, Things you wouldn't know, USA

I started this series “Things you wouldn’t know” a while back, because as an expat, living in a different country away from home, you encounter a whole lot of things that are just different from what you’re used to. Some things are significant, others barely noticeable. After 10+ years, I am pretty much used to most things in the US and I hardly ever bring up when something is different from back home. Every once in a while though, you strike up a conversation and while you’re talking about something, you realize that your counterpart is giving you this strange look of non-comprehension. You can find the archives here.

Last week, Doni and I had the following exchange on  Twitter:

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An interesting conversation ensued after that because as it stands, in the USA it is very common to have (a) middle name(s). In fact, I don’t think I know anybody (you?) who doesn’t have a middle name. Whenever I say that I don’t have a middle name, people are surprised (as was Doni).

So, I thought it would be a good idea to shed some little light on the differences between middle names here and in Germany, because technically there is no such thing as middle names in Germany. Well, I am not saying there aren’t any names that are placed between the given name and surname  in Germany at all, because there are, but it all works a little bit differently.

Most European countries (as far as I know) use middle names, which are, however, often referred to as second (or third) given names followed by the surname. In Germany, first, second and third names are legally equivalent, therefore the parents get to decide which name the child actually goes by. Other than in the US, it’s not common practice to use the surname of a relative as a middle name in Germany, in fact, using a surname (e.g. the mother’s or grandmother’s maiden name) is not even allowed, unless that name is also officially accepted as a first name. (I’ll explain that later.)

My Dad, for example, has the same three given names as his father (and his grandfather and great-grandfather). He goes by his first name. My Mom only has a first and second name and also goes by her first name. My aunt, however, has a first and second name and goes by her second name. Ah!
In my parents’ generation, those second (and third) forenames were traditionally picked from the names of relatives (this is, however, not necessarily true anymore).

In the 70’s (when I was born – spoiler-alert!) middle names seemed to have gone out of style a bit. My sister, myself and many of my friends do not have second (or third for that matter) names at all (although some do!). Both, my niece and nephew, also don’t have middle names, although the practice of giving more than one name seems to have come back in recent years.

In general, naming laws in Germany are pretty strict. If you chose a name for your child that is considered unisex (e.g. Robin or Kim), at least one additional, unambiguous name must be chosen. I don’t know if they keep a list at the Standesamt (German civil registration office), but you also can’t just choose just any name for your child (as you can here). If the name is not accepted as a legal first name or if it is a name that is likely to expose your child to ridicule or bullying, you’ll be prohibited to use it. You also can’t use names that are surnames as either first or second names. (J’s middle name – which is a compound word (!) made up of both his grandmothers maiden names – would have been so not acceptable!).
Foreign names are generally allowed if you can establish that the name is actually used somewhere else in the world.

When I got married, I thought about keeping my maiden name as a middle name. I have a very (!) common German surname and I was not particularly (but a little bit!) attached to it and I liked the idea of having a middle name and be able to keep my cultural heritage. However, since my maiden name is not accepted as a proper first name, the German Standesamt didn’t allow it. Stupid, ey?
I could have decided to keep a hyphened “double-surname”, but a) my maiden name in combination with J’s surname just didn’t sound good (two one-syllable words) and b) I really didn’t want the hassle of a double-name.

I also could have decided to have two different legal documents – a California ID with my maiden name as my middle name and a German ID without it. But I feared that that would make things unnecessarily complicated.

So there you have it. It’s always interesting to learn about different countries, cultures and traditions, am I right? The more you know.

Share your middle (or second) name(s) in the comments! Or leave any questions that you still might have!

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