f*ck that

It’s time to be uncomfortable

June 15, 2020 filed under: f*ck that, making things better, real life

The last few weeks have left me sad, frustrated, and overwhelmed. I think those are valid feelings with everything that has been going on lately.

The death of George Floyd in police custody has ignited the nation, once again, and in the middle of a pandemic at that. And rightfully so.

Just recently, I ran in honor of Ahmaud Arbery, who was killed “running while black” by two white vigilantes in his neighborhood. It took 74 days for the two white men to be arrested. Then, I heard of the shooting death of Breonna Taylor, who was killed “sleeping while black” in her own apartment when officers burst into the apartment to serve a search warrant (for a person that, at the time, was already in custody). Then, the killing of an, already handcuffed and on the ground, black man in Minneapolis. Even more recently (as of Friday), another black man, Rayshard Brooks, killed by police after a DUI test.

None of this should have happened. None of these situations warranted lethal force.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve sat down to write this post in the last couple weeks. I didn’t know if it’s my place to say something, but not saying anything about the current happenings feels wrong, too. I am generally a person that doesn’t tolerate injustices well. How come these things keep happening and nobody bothers to do anything about it?

I know how that sounds. Like, who over there let that happen?

And yes, with “nobody”, I do mean our elected leaders, who have the power to really bring change by implementing laws and policies and making sure that everybody abides by these rules, law enforcement included.

But I understand, it’s systemic. And how do you change a system? From the inside out. It really starts with every single one of us, with the decisions we make, or maybe more importantly, don’t make every day in our immediate surroundings to help bring about that change that we claim we want to see happen. The decisions to stand up and speak up in situations of injustice.

Most of us probably wonder, who are these people that chased Ahmaud down the street and confronted him? What went through the police officer’s mind, who had his knee on George’s neck for such a long time? We’re baffled and (justifiably) horrified. But let’s not talk about the people that openly display racism (although they’re obviously a problem), but instead let’s address the often unconscious bias and racism within ourselves.

What can I do, you might ask? Believe me, I have asked myself this question a lot.

I am not a racist, you might want to say. But are you anti-racist, someone asks back.

I listened to Trevor Noah’s video the other day and he talked about society as a social contract between people, where everyone agrees to abide by the same laws and a set of societal norms. But what if, for some of us, this contract is being violated over and over? Or, more truthfully, for whom a different kind of contract seemed to have existed all along?

Why are we okay with this? Well, honestly, I am not okay with this, and I know many others aren’t, but just saying that is really not enough for it not to continue.

To be made to feel like you are part of the problem, is uncomfortable and might feel wrong, I get it, but not facing the possibility that we’re part of a system – actively or passively – that perpetuates discrimination against BIPOCs, is complicity, if you want to acknowledge that or not.

It’s easy, so very easy, to think “oh, but I am not doing any harm to anyone”, just because you don’t call someone a swear word to their face, or because you’re not that person that had the knee on George Floyd’s neck. It’s easy to think of yourself as an ally, just because you have a black friend. But it’s not enough.

I’ve been reading and listening to (more) black voices (mostly on Instagram) over the last few weeks and days. I’ve shared posts/stories that I felt really got to the root of what is ailing our society, but this pretty much put it in a nutshell:

White supremacy won’t die until White people see it as a White issue they need to solve rather than a Black issue they need to empathize with.

— Dwayne Reed (@TeachMrReed) June 4, 2020

He hits the nail on the head. It is OUR issue to solve and we have to push for changes and change our own behaviors. It’s not our fault that we were born into white privilege, but it’s our responsibility.

I used the word ‘ally’ above. It’s not a word that is embraced by all. Explained like so…

“Allyship [is not the goal] because it comes with too many conditions and implies that this work for you is optional, aspirational, intellectual, personal development; when it is actually your responsibility.” (Monique Melton)

I understand why some think the label could be a problem, although it’s often used. The Merriam Webster definition for “ally” says it’s “a person or group that provides assistance and support in an ongoing effort, activity, or struggle”. It’s not wrong by definition, we’re asked to do work that we’ve previously might not have been doing, but we can’t call ourselves “allies”, only the black community can give us this label.

I am not under the illusion that we can eliminate the fact that people of different races and ethnicities look different. To say ‘we don’t see color’ would not only be wrong, but missing the point. However, we’re all humans and the end-goal has to be to not just be allies, but treat each other as true equals.

Allyship sounds like something one can achieve, but true equality work never ends, because it’s what we will have to do every single day until it’s second nature, damn it.

Since we’ve all been pushed outside our comfort zone in the last couple of weeks, be it because of sadness about what has happened, a feeling of guilt that we have previously chosen to ignore, or simple discomfort of yet “another issue” to deal with on top of the ongoing pandemic, why not take advantage and continue the work that needs to be done. We’re outside of our comfort zone already, we might as well seize the moment. It’s pretty clear that 2020 will be judged by the history books!

Am I afraid to screw up, use the wrong words? You bet. But that’s not an excuse, and maybe the wrong words are better than no words at all. I am open to dialogue and willing to listen and learn. If someone calls me out (in fact, I’d expect that to happen) that’s okay, too. It’s an opportunity to learn and do better.

It’s easy to just post a picture or post a blog post (like this one) and be done with it. I acknowledge that. This is merely the first step. Silence is complacency and complicity. So, while I am not an expert on anti-racism by any means, I also don’t want to be silent. Maybe it’s time for white people to speak up and take some responsibility, have some uncomfortable conversations.

It’s going to be a process, people, but we have to be willing to start it.

It’s time to be uncomfortable.

I am sure you’ve been seeing a lot of resources on the Internet already, or hopefully sought them out yourself (I, for sure, started a running list), so I won’t repeat them here.

You already know where to donate and where to sign petitions. I don’t have to list all the same links here again (a quick google will point you in the right direction also).

I do want to share a list of accounts that I have followed (for a while or just recently), because I think this is where the really important work lies. It’s great to donate and sign petitions, but the real work has to happen with ourselves.

This is not a comprehensive or even hierarchical list. I am sure I am missing important voices (please point me to them!) but these are just some of the accounts I came across and found extremely educational and helpful. Some of these are just “regular” people sharing their voices, some are speakers and activists which offer more comprehensive resources to educate ourselves. Be prepared for some blunt words, but also eye-opening content.

@moemotivate (Monique Melton)
@sonyareneetaylor (Sonya Renee Taylor)
@rachel.cargle (Rachel Cargle)
@chasinggarza (Alicia Garza)
@iamrachelricketts (Rachel Ricketts)
@rachrodgersesq (Rachel Rodgers)
@austinchanning (Austin Channing Brown)
@ijeomaoluo (Ijeoma Oluo)
@2fnjazzy (Jasmine W.)
@accordingtoweeze (Louiza “Weeze” Doran)
@official_stevanteclark (Stevante Clark)
@jadesoulzuberi (Jade Zuberi)
@kimberlylatricejones (Kimberly Jones)
@laylafsaad (Layla Saad)

Let’s take some time to read, listen, absorb, connect. Let’s do the work.

Phew, if you made it to down here, kudos to you. I didn’t know how to keep this short(er), and I know I’ve been rambling, and still feel like there is so much to address, talk about, unpack. Hopefully, we can have more – probably uncomfortable, but honest – conversations to keep this momentum going.

Here we go again…

January 23, 2018 filed under: f*ck that, I can't make this shit up, real life

Photo by Nathan Bingle on Unsplash

** Disclaimer: I am getting a little political here. You probably know where I stand. If you can’t handle politics being discussed, politely click away now.**

If you followed the news over the weekend, you know that we were in a government shutdown situation again. If you recall, I was affected by that the last time that happened in 2013.

I’ve been glued to the TV over the weekend. First, trying to figure out if the government was going to shut down or not, then if it was going to reopen before Monday morning. As you know, it didn’t, so we were officially furloughed yesterday. We had to report to work, accept our furlough notice, shut down our computers… just before the Democrats caved and voted to reopen the government again yesterday afternoon. While it’s never fun being in limbo, I would have preferred for the Democrats to show some spine. I am not sure what the three-day shutdown was for because they haven’t really gained anything in the negotiations. DACA was not dealt with and I am not sure how much I trust any half-assed promises from the GOP at this point to bring it to a vote (which still doesn’t mean anything will be voted onor passed in the House), especially when – on top of all this – we have a very indecisive president who refuses to lead and/or take a firm position.

I consider myself fairly well informed, I follow the news, do some independent reading, discuss the news with my family overseas (to see how things are portrayed over there), and try my best to understand the US political system. Over a decade later, I still don’t understand a lot of things. For example, how is it possible that we’re 4 months into the fiscal year again and the government doesn’t have a budget but continues to operate under continuing resolutions? How can they attach other legislation (like the CHIP program and DACA) to the spending bill and shut down the government over this?

It’s like signing a lease for a house and at the same time agreeing to cook dinner for the landlord on Sunday nights. Those two things don’t belong together and shouldn’t be voted on together. But I understand, it’s politicial leverage. I am just wondering, how is that even legal?

We’ll be at the exact point again in less than three weeks when this CR (continuing resolution) runs out and if the Republicans haven’t put DACA on the table like Mitch McConnell promised.

As Rachel Maddow likes to say, ‘Watch this space’.

Another chapter of the never-ending story of the U.S. Postal Service and me

January 19, 2017 filed under: f*ck that, I can't make this shit up, nuisance, postalservice

Yeah, it was about time that I wrote another chapter of my upcoming book “The Never-Ending Story of the U.S. Postal Service and me”, wasn’t it? (← Just kidding about the book deal, but I seriously have enough material to write a book. But then again, who wants to read about the failings of the Postal Service.)

You know, I love the postal service, I love the idea of the postal service, I really do. I mean, how awesome is it that you hand them a piece of paper in an envelope and they transport it half way around the world? Pretty amazing, am I right? I’ve been a good customer. I’ve been sending tons of letters for years. I make sure they stay in business (well, not single-handedly, but you know what I mean) and I appreciate their profession. However, repeatedly, they’ve been treating me as a (both sending and receiving) customer and my mail like shit and I am really – slowly-but-surely – getting so tired of it.

I’m almost ( nah, NOT REALLY!) getting used to the fact that I receive a small percentage of my Christmas cards returned every year, a sticker on it claiming that the card couldn’t be delivered because of a wrong address (which, in all honesty, is NEVER actually the case, because I check back with my peeps). I get it, sometimes a letter gets lost, sometimes it gets missorted or simply overlooked. I know how it goes, I worked for the postal service in college.

But, I really had more than my fair share of BAD experiences with the Postal Service (and have blogged about it before) and I am really, really getting pissed off by their audacity lately.

I had been (more or less) patiently waiting for my Mom’s Christmas package. She had sent it of on December, 1st, but I understand that Christmas is a busy time and that it can take a bit longer for things to be delivered when there is such a huge volume of mail. I am not complaining about that.

What I am complaining about is the nerve of the Postal Service to return a package WRAPPING (not even the actual package!) with a note on it that says a) that the package couldn’t be delivered because there is “no such street” (when my address on it is, in fact, CORRECT!) and b) a note that apologizes for the package being damaged (when the actual package + contents were not even returned).

I mean, WHAT THE HELL??? Who returns just an empty wrapping? It’s like a big slap in the face and I don’t appreciate it.

If they determined that there is “no such street” in Sacramento, does that mean it made it to the Sacramento post office and they were incapable of figuring out that there is indeed a street with that name in Sacramento? Are there no people with a little bit of common sense working for USPS?

To be completely honest, I discovered that my Mom used my “old” zip code, but with our new (correct) street address. You’d think, since we didn’t move out of town (in fact, only a mile away from our old apartment), they would be able to figure this little mystery out and simply verify the zip code, instead of trashing the package (or stealing the goodies) and sending the wrapping paper all the way back to Germany!

I mean, isn’t it their duty to at least cross-check the address + zip code (a simple Google maps search will do!) before they just declare a street “nonexistent”? In fact, I googled that and it says that this is what should happen anyway. I acknowledge that this might take some time and delay a package further, but clearly, nobody has even tried here. “Unable to forward” is simply INCORRECT.

To be frank, I am beyond FURIOUS. And I am going to the post office this weekend. I already feel sorry for the person who has to deal with me.

Here we are yet again

June 14, 2016 filed under: f*ck that, I can't make this shit up, making things better

By now, everybody must have heard about the mass shooting that occurred at a gay night club in Orlando over the weekend (or you must be living under a rock). These things are happening way too frequently now and at first, I debated if I really wanted to post about it or not, because honestly, I am at a loss of words. But I think it’s important that people talk about it and even more important that we do something about it.

50 young people lost their lives, 53 more wounded in this senseless act of hate. I can’t wrap my head around the fact that a person can carry so much hate inside themselves that they would go out and try to harm or kill people.

The tragic thing is that there is going to be 24-hours of outrage and finger-pointing and stereotyping and then the sad and frustrating, yet at this point predictable realization that nothing will be done about gun control in America to prevent such crimes.

Where were all the concealed weapon carrying gun men that always insist that crimes like that don’t happen if ‘responsible gun owners’ are around? [\sarcasm off]I have yet to hear about a mass shooting where a gun owner has killed the assailant and thus prevented senseless killings. The odds are that these people will have their backs to the assailant and will be just as surprised by the assault as everybody else, because frankly, nobody expects to experience something like this… and yet, here we are again. 176 mass shootings (with 4 or more victims) in 2016. People, this is crazy. I am sure President Obama is sick and tired of speaking about such events again and again and again without any real change happening as a result of it. Is this the kind of country America wants to be? Apparently so.

It’s impossible to not feel paralyzed and helpless in light of these events. But, what can we do to stop this madness?

... to actively do nothing is a decision as well. - President Obama Click To Tweet

There is something wrong in a world where people grow up to hate other people and think they have the right to go out and hurt, stigmatize, oppress, or worse, kill those who are different from themselves. I do not understand that people can’t let people be people. It’s still under investigation if this massacre was terrorism or a hate crime (or both), but I still need to ask: what’s two men kissing each other (that’s what apparently upset the shooter) doing to you personally? NOTHING. Nothing at all.

I don’t understand how people don’t support sensible gun laws in this country. I can’t come up with any sensible reason why any civilian needs to own an assault rifle (or any gun for this matter, unless you live in rural Vermont and need a shot gun to scare off bears).

There is proof that stricter gun laws work in other countries (and please, don’t tell me “America is different”. Different how? Different that we’d rather be ok to see people slain than give up a slice of our so-called freedom? Give me a break). We can sit around and just be onlookers to more violence that is – without doubt – going to happen, pretend outrage and secretly cross our fingers that we and our loved ones might be spared from such a tragedy (good luck with that!), or we do something about it. At the very least, let’s get assault rifles out of the hands of civilians. NOW.

If we can’t stop people with crazy convictions from thinking what they’re thinking, we can at least make sure that they don’t have access to the tools that allow them to commit these horrible mass murders. I don’t know if petitions really do anything, but here are two petitions that you can sign (click on the images). It’s a start, and we gotta start somewhere.

We have to do something… anything … to show that we won’t stand for hate and violence. Write or tweet your elected representatives. Be someone who other people can turn to by showing that you’re kind, loving and compassionate, that you don’t judge others by their gender, skin color, beliefs or lifestyle.

Be that someone who doesn't judge others by their gender, skin color, beliefs or lifestyle. Click To Tweet

Treat others as you‘d like to be treated. It’s a rather simple concept, really.

F*ck off, cancer (take two)

February 19, 2015 filed under: f*ck that, friends

#tbt

Last week, I dug out this picture of my best friend and me. It’s one of my favorites. Those were happy, carefree times. I think this was taken ca. 2001. Obviously, we were dressed up for carnival, ready to hit the parties in town.

My best friend and I, we’ve known each other since elementary school. That is a freaking long time, guys, and sometimes I can’t believe we’ve known each other for three decades (what?!).

We weren’t always bestest, closest friends. You know how it is, how friendships work when you’re kids. One day, you’re besties, the next day, you don’t want anything to do with each other. Friendship is a strange (somewhat ungraspable) thing when you’re little and you really only come to appreciate it for what it really is much, much later, but she always was in my close circle and I think we’ve really become best friends in 7th grade (give or take a year).

I am so thankful for having her in my life, someone who has been by my side since childhood. We’ve been through stuff together. Crushes, heartaches, triumphs and let downs. We’ve been on school trips to Prague and Austria, at a summer camp in Italy, and after we graduated high school, we took a roadtrip to Venice, Italy together. We were 19 and I think our parents went crazy with worry if we would make the 11-hour drive. It was a fantastic adventure and unforgettable time (and yes, we made it).

Since then, we’ve spent a huge chunk of our friendship on opposite sides of the world with a big ocean between us, but that has never changed the way we felt about each other. She knows she can call me any time of the day (and night) and I know I can do the same. I am thankful to have a friend who has been through all parts of life with me so far and who I know is always someone I can turn to.

Tomorrow, my sweet friend faces serious surgery to fight her (second) bout with brain cancer. I wrote about her initial diagnosis here and how her life was put on hold at 32, when most of her peers were making big life decisions (marriage, house, kids). I wasn’t kidding when I said in my post last week “however much you think you have a plan for how your life will pan out, you won’t be able to count on it. There are always going to be unexpected obstacles and events (at least for most of us) that will stir us of our chosen path, delay progress and/or force us to think our whole life plan over.”

The hell, I definitely wasn’t kidding. I’ve seen it too many times.

Things had been going great for her though. Quarterly check-ups had been negative for five years, she moved forward with her life, started working again, fell in love, got engaged, moved to a new city and was finally at a point where she had dared to breathe a little easier again. Then at the beginning of the year the news: the tumor is back.

You guys, I am so angry, and I feel ~~a little~~ so helpless for being so far away, even though I wouldn’t be able to really do much for her if I was closer. But at least I would be able to hug her and be with her. I know she knows that I am here for her, but I am not physically there, and that sucks big time.

She’s the last person who deserves to go through so much pain and heartache, let alone go through it twice, and yet she’s handling it with so much grace. Much more grace than I think I’d be able to muster facing such a tough situation.

We talked about attitude a couple of weeks ago and how being positive and optimistic can change everything, how consciously changing your thinking patterns can influence the way you approach and perceive life. She and I, we have the same outlook on life. We always, always see the glass half full and I’m absolutely positively convinced that she will beat this.

There are so many more adventures waiting for her, for us!, and when we’re old and grey, I wanna sit in a rocking chair, drink tea and reminisce with her about the good ol’ times.

If you could spare any good thoughts and healing vibes today for my dearest, oldest friend, I’d be forever indebted to you. Meanwhile, don’t mind me going a little stir-crazy over here.

How I suddenly have ALL THE TIME and feel paralyzed

October 10, 2013 filed under: f*ck that, I can't make this shit up, real life

If you read my previous (password-protected) post, you know the details about my current predicament. I am on forced unpaid leave due to the government shutdown (and there are some frustrating details involved in my case) and I am trying to be my always positive self in dealing with my situation. While it sucks, I am trying to look at the silver linings:

I don’t have to get up at the crack of dawn tomorrow – yay! I can stay home in my pajamas and drink coffee all day if I want. I could finally read more books, or watch some episodes of the (three) TV series that I have been simultaneously watching on Netflix (and which I have to seriously catch up on). Heck, I could even get a head start on my Christmas card crafting. Also, have I mentioned that I have yet to miss any of the post-season Red Sox games, because I have been home in the afternoon. When does that ever happen?

It must seem as if I have time to do ALL THE THINGS that I usually complain about not having enough time for. People keep telling me that I should make the best of it, enjoy the time off – except, it’s not that easy. I know they mean well, but it’s hard to relax when you’re in limbo. I feel oddly paralyzed by the uncertainty and unfairness of my situation and I simply do not have the peace of mind to enjoy the unexpected time off as much I want to (or maybe even should). What is it about the human psyche that keeps you in a gridlock when things go off track and denies you to at least enjoy the often few, but still noticeable benefits of an otherwise all-around shitty situation?

Have you ever felt that way?

I almost feel like I have less time, because my mind is so preoccupied. Believe me, I am fully aware how utterly ridiculous that sounds when I am spending 8+ hours more at home every day than usual. And it’s quite frustrating to have this extra time and feel like you’re not able to really use it. It’s not that I am not trying to be productive every day. Most days, I am up early (although not early enough for it to be still dark outside, which is nice), I make my coffee and get my day going. I complete chores, clean up, declutter. I have a to do list, because it’s just how I operate and because I need to feel like I accomplished something at the end of the day.
Some people have suggested we should go on a trip, but that’s not really an option, because we’re officially not allowed to go on vacation and must be available to return back to work within 24-hours. Besides, when you’re on unpaid leave, that’s not really the time you feel like you should spend money on travel, or anything, for that matter. So, I spend a significant amount of time in front of the TV instead, following the news, trying to find out if anything on the political stage has finally shifted towards a resolution.

One good thing about this shutdown: I’ve been running more in the last week than I have run in the last three months. Oddly enough, running is a frustration-outlet for me (and it’s free!), so when things are weighing on my mind, I go on the treadmill. I love this phenomenon and hate it at the same time. I don’t only want to feel motivated to run when I am frustrated, but on the other hand, it does give me some sort of purpose right now. Maybe, I’ll finally become a legit runner. (When are you officially allowed to call yourself that? When can I be accepted into that club?)

Protected: On being tired of always getting the short end of the stick

October 3, 2013 filed under: Expat stories, f*ck that, I can't make this shit up

Floored

June 7, 2010 filed under: f*ck that, I can't make this shit up, my so-called life

{via}

Ok, seriously you guys, I never thought something like that would ever happen to me. I am usually sooo good about this kind of stuff. I am talking about backing up my computer.

A few weeks ago, I decided to reformat my laptop hard drive, because it was starting to run real slow and there was a lot of stuff that just needed to be taken off the laptop. I backed everything up to my external hard drive (which pretty much holds all my files dating back to 2005) and I was already contemplating buying a second external hard drive for further backup. Then I started the reformatting.

Everything went smoothly until I tried to reconnect the external hard drive to transfer the settings and some stuff back to the laptop: the external hard drive wasn’t recognized.
I tried to stay calm, because I mean literally like 2 hours before it was working fine.

Isn’t this always how it happens?

I was pretty sure that it couldn’t really be that big of a problem, since I didn’t do anything to the hard drive between the backup and the reformatting, so I didn’t worry too much about it.
I was too busy with my travel plans to take care of it then, so when I got back last week, I decided I would send in the hard drive to a data recovery service for evaluation. I figured it would be a piece of cake to make it accessible again.

The good news is: I was told it can be fixed and all files will be recoverable.
The bad news is: They want $1200 from me.

$1200!

I mean, seriously? Is that what it costs to have your memories restored?

I am completely speechless.

I thought it would be a couple of hundred dollars. Maybe! It took me a day to get over it, but I had already made peace with the fact that I had to invest a little bit of money to get my files back. Looks like I have to invest a little bit more than that.

But $1200… that’s like another flight to Europe … or… a new laptop that I was planning to buy some time soon. Argh!

I am devastated. And I am not sure what to do.

Do you think it’s worth it?

Letting go

March 2, 2010 filed under: f*ck that, family, Germany, home

My Granddad passed away Sunday night.

It all feels like a blur. I’ve listened to my sister cry on the phone, I listened to my Dad’s calm and collected voice when he called and I heard myself scream inside.

I was two months away from going to visit again. Two months. And then, within two days he just left us. I am crushed that I couldn’t be at the hospital, that I couldn’t hold his hand one last time.

My sister and I were very close with my Granddad. We spent a whole lot of time at his house when we were kids. He lived close by and was always very present in our lives.
In the last few years, whenever I had to get on a plane again after a visit home, he was afraid that he wasn’t going to see me again. I told him to “not be silly” and that he was going to live for a long, long time and that we were going to see each other very soon. Just last week he had told me how excited he was that it was “not very long until” I was going to come home. I joked with him about how quick time goes and that I’d be there before he knew it. And then sometimes, time goes quicker.

He passed away in his sleep, without any pain, without any fear. I couldn’t ask for a better way for him (or anyone) to die. I am sure my Grandma was waiting for him on the other side (or, I’d like to think she did).
I am glad he didn’t wake up again just to find himself completely impaired and robbed of all human dignity. I wouldn’t have wanted that for him, he wouldn’t have wanted that for himself.
He was a strong, stubborn and proud man who had survived WWII, who raised two wonderful sons, who lived and cared for himself in his own home until he died. He also was an active member in the community. My sister called this morning and told me jokingly, “You won’t believe the list of people that he left behind, who are supposed to be contacted upon his death. It’s like a 10-page paper”. Yes, my Granddad was well-liked and well-connected.
J had joked about my Granddad’s old-schoolish “stubbornness” many times, but by his reaction to his death yesterday, I could tell that he as well deeply admired him.

One thing that hit me yesterday – and excuse me, if that might seem quite obvious to you – was: My dad lost his dad. He was the last actual grandparent that my sister and I had left. My Dad’s Mom died a long time ago when we were only six years old. My Dad was barely 33 when it happened. He was so young. How was he able to deal with losing his Mom at such a young age? Now, that he is 60 himself, does he feel different about losing his dad? Does it get “easier” when you get older? Or do you learn more acceptance of the inevitable?

The only thing I know is that I am terrified of losing my parents some day.

I’ll be getting on a plane on Wednesday, so that I can be home and attend my Granddad’s funeral on Friday. He deserves for me to be there. I know it’s one hell of a trip, but I need to be with my family right now.

Love you, Granddad!

Feeling helpless

February 27, 2010 filed under: f*ck that, family, Germany, help

About 3 months ago, almost to the day, I told you that my Granddad had suffered a mild stroke and was taken to the hospital.

The stroke had only impacted his language center in the brain and he had trouble communicating. Otherwise, he seemed almost unharmed. He had to stay in the hospital for a couple of weeks, he received speech therapy and when he was doing better and I could talk to him on the phone again, I was so relieved, so so relieved that he seemed to be on the road to almost full recovery. My Granddad is 87, he’s lived through WWII and he has one hell of a stubborn mind.

The fact that he was recovering so well made me feel a little better about the decision to not go to Germany for Christmas, but postpone my trip until spring after my sister will have had her baby.
I talked to him on the phone regularly the last few weeks and with every phone call I could tell that he was doing better and that his language had almost come back completely. Yesterday my Granddad tried to call me, but I missed his call. I told myself that I would give him a call back today.

This morning though, I received a call from my sister. My Granddad is back in the hospital. From what they were told, my Granddad must have suffered another stroke while he was sleeping and is now in a “sleep coma”.
That means he seems to be sleeping (he’s actually snoring which is almost comical, if it wasn’t so serious), but they can’t get him to wake up.

The doctors told my family that they don’t know if he’ll ever wake up again, and that if he did wake up again, his life would probably not be worth living anymore. Since the stroke impacted the left side of his brain again, he probably won’t be able to communicate or move much and the longer he remains in the coma, the more severe the impact on this brain will be.

My heart is breaking at being so far away from home and from my family. I feel helpless and alone. I kick myself that I missed my Granddad’s phone call yesterday, as this might have been my last chance to talk to him ever again. On top of that, my sister’s due date is in 18 days and she’d be devastated if he won’t be able to see his great-grandchild anymore.

I don’t know what to think right now. Part of me wants to get on a plane like first thing tomorrow morning, but if I did that, it would impact my plans to go home in the spring. Also, there is no guarantee that he would wake up or notice at all that I was there.
I am afraid that he’s going to pass away without me being there, but again, nobody knows if he’s going to wake up again or for how long he’s going to be in the coma.
I feel so torn, because I want to see him again so badly, but at the same time, I don’t want him to suffer. I don’t want him to wake up and realize that he can’t communicate or move at all anymore. I don’t want him to go to a nursing home just to vegetate away for a few more months, and I don’t want him to be in any pain.

I don’t want him to wake up for my selfish wish alone to see him one more time.
He lived a full-filled, happy and healthy life. If this is the way he’s supposed to go – to fall into a sleep coma and then pass on, I can’t think of a better way to die.
(My grandma (his wife) battled breast-cancer for eight years (she died a long time ago, when I was six) and that is definitely a more painful and sad way to go.)

If you could spare a moment and send some good thoughts and prayers (for whatever outcome) my Granddad’s way, that would be wonderful and very much appreciated.
I can only once more reiterate how much it sucks to be so far away from your family in times like this.

If I only knew what I am supposed to do now…