What is time? We know that an hour is 60 minutes, and a day is 24 hours, and a year is 365 days but the passing of time rarely feels linear. It’s usually a rollercoaster of speeding up and slowing down and I am not sure we ever exist in a moment where time feels appropriately long (or short, for that matter).
It’s been a whole year since my best friend from home (referred to as BF from here on) passed away. Perception is a time warp. It might as well have been five years ago, or just yesterday when I received the dreaded phone call from her mom. I had been anticipating it. I knew her time was coming to an end. And I knew it was going to be a release from pain and long years of battling cancer, a release from a life that she had envisioned so differently in many ways. I wanted so much more for her. And there were a lot of things I wish we could have experienced together and of which we were robbed.
She never got to visit me here in my new home country. We didn’t get to travel much together (I always envisioned we would. The photo above was taken after our graduation on a girls’ trip to Italy.) We missed a lot of important events in each other’s lives because it wasn’t always possible to travel for every single one of them. In a lot of ways, our friendship changed over the many years that her health was declining, and I wasn’t physically there. I still carry a bit of sadness and guilt sometimes, wishing I could have been there for her more when things were tough.
We knew each other since elementary school but became inseparable in highschool. We had always dreamed about living next door to each other. Our childhood homes were less than a mile apart. Putting 6000 miles between us was not an intentional decision when I fell in love with California and a Californian boy, but that is how life goes. She herself (temporarily) moved for love. It didn’t change anything between us. I always knew she was just a phone call away, even though I wished she lived just down the street.
My grief feels a bit subdued and different from people who were able to be with her all the time. I only got to see her once or maybe twice a year for many years, but it doesn’t make the hole that she left behind in my world any smaller. In a way, I was used to missing her, just in a different way. Our friendship was sustained by care packages, phone calls, and later video calls and Whatsapp messages. She loved sending me silly videos and memes.
Our long distance-friendship worked because our emotional connection never faded. Losing her in midlife when those old, reliable friendships feel so very essential, feels extra cruel.
I’m so grateful for her friendship. Despite the distance, she was always my person, and I was hers. She told me that many times. I told her that one more time when I held her hand for what I knew would be the last time last summer. I am not even sure if she could hear me or if she knew that I was there, she was mostly in a comatose state at that point, but I believe that I felt her squeeze my hand once. She knew. No one can convince me otherwise.
Unfortunately, I don’t know many of her other close friends, the ones who lived closer. Except for my sister, who also kept up with BF, I feel isolated from these other friends that grieve her loss in a similar way I do. I imagine it would be nice to talk to them and reminisice, find out how they’re coping with this loss.
I’ve kept in regular contact with her mom though, and it’s been good for her and for me. I think we both struggle with the fact that life just moves right along. We talk about BF. I send her old photos from a time when things were happy and carefree. We don’t shy away from mentioning her name, like people are sometimes prone to do after someone passes away. I understand, it’s awkward and they don’t want to trigger a wave of emotions. But sometimes I’d rather be triggered than pretend that nothing happened. I feel an obligation to BF to bring up her name and talk about her, lest she thinks she could ever be forgotten.
I talk to BF sometimes. I take her along on my runs, show her around my neighborhood, and tell her about my day. Grief sometimes overwhelms me in the most unexpected moments.
Grief, in its many forms, is pervasive. It doesn’t simply go away after a prescribed period of time. We don’t get over grief. We carry it with us throughout our lives, another rock in our proverbial backpacks. I know BF’s backpack was heavy, and she carried it with so much dignity.
When we lost Jon’s mom and BF in short succession last year, something shifted in me. Do you know that feeling when something that you knew on an “intellectual level” finally clicks emotionally? I still feel young with plenty of years ahead of me, but nothing is ever guaranteed. As I am grieving the loss of my longtime friend, someone my own age, I’ve been made strangely aware of the many more griefs I will experience in my life, in a way I didn’t understand before. And now more than ever, I feel the urgency to live every day with intention and to cherish every moment with the people I love for as long as they are – or I am – here.
I couldn’t let today go by unacknowledged. One year without BF. We were friends for 40+ years. I still cannot imagine a world without her in it.
I’ll leave you with a quote that I have come back to many times in life when saying goodbye – for periods of time, or sometimes forever – was hard to do.
HOW LUCKY I AM TO HAVE SOMETHING THAT MAKES SAYING GOODBYE SO HARD. – A. A. MILNE
K @ TS
July 7, 2026 at 4:09 pmSan, this is a beautiful post. It must be so difficult to be without your BF, no matter how many miles you had between you. I completely agree with you that life is short. My good HS friend passed away about 5 years ago, and it seems (seemed) so strange and wrong that someone in their 40s could be gone so early. It is really hard to wrap your mind around. As your quote says, I also try to remember the good times, and realize that the time spent together was precious, and try to move forward in life with intention. Big hug to you friend.
San
July 8, 2026 at 1:10 pmI am so sorry to hear you also lost a HS friend a few years ago. It is so hard to wrap your mind around it when people die (too) young. I absolutely agree with you that we have to always remember the good times (nobody can takes those memories away) and live our lives to the fullest!
Elisabeth
July 7, 2026 at 4:54 pmHugs, friend.
Grief is hard. It’s exhausting. In a way, it can be beautiful, too. And there is no expiration date.
I’m sorry you and BF didn’t get the chance to so many things together that you had dreamed of, but I’m so glad you were there as a steady companion and loyal friend through a very long, hard medical journey.
Thinking of you and so appreciate you writing about such a vulnerable topic but one that everyone can relate to in some way. Loss and grief are universal, and yet we sometimes try to avoid conversations thinking people will “forget”… but you never forget big losses.
Gah. A second round of hugs <3
San
July 8, 2026 at 1:12 pmThank you. Yes, grief is so, so hard and I know that everyone can relate in one way or another. None of us is spared that experience in our lifetimes. It’s comforting to know that this is not “unique”, but it also doesn’t make it any easier. I know you’re going to your own grief journey right now with your friend.
coco
July 8, 2026 at 2:25 amthis is so beautiful! it’s so true that to be able to be so heart broken is a privilege as it shows how much in love we were.
San
July 8, 2026 at 1:12 pmGrief is the price we pay for love. Isn’t that the truth.
Nicole MacPherson
July 8, 2026 at 5:23 amWhat a hard anniversary this is, San. It’s so strange when we lose someone we love that the world just keeps on turning and everyone just keeps on doing their thing. But the world is different and strange without that person. And yet.
I totally get that urgency, in the last few years that has really awakened for me as well. It’s like…we don’t have time to mess around anymore, we need to live the life we need to live, in whatever form that is. Life is so precious and we aren’t guaranteed tomorrow. I totally understand this feeling, San.
Sending you a big hug across the miles. xo
San
July 8, 2026 at 1:14 pmWe do not have time to mess around and we need to live the life we need to live! YES! I know that this is an epiphany of midlife but boy does it hit home! Thank you for understanding, Nicole.
Kim
July 8, 2026 at 5:32 amI love reading about her and how you keep in touch with her mom and keep her memory alive. And the perspective on that shift in perspective after losing her and Jon’s mom. Thank you for sharing all this. It’s such a sad and normal part of life that we need to be open and talk about, and I appreciate that you are. Sending you love <3
San
July 8, 2026 at 1:15 pmYes, it’s a sad but normal part of life. Nobody is spared that experience, but I appreciate that you say that it’s something we need to normalize and talk about. It’s so easy to try and just ignore this very real fact of life.
Jenny
July 8, 2026 at 12:08 pmOof, that last quote brought tears to my eyes. Yes, this is hard! And I agree- once you lose someone close to you (for me it was my mom) you feel a switch. Oh- death is real. There’s a person that is gone, forever. And yes- we will also die and we don’t know when that will be. I think you’re honoring your friend’s memory by living your own life to the fullest and appreciating every moment. I know this is a hard anniversary… hugs <3
San
July 8, 2026 at 1:17 pmOh, I can only imagine how your mom’s death flipped that switch for you. I kept wondering last year when Jon’s mom passed away how it must have felt for him. I tried to talk about it with him a few times, but you know how guys are, they often gloss over their deeper feelings. I can only imagine how much you must miss your mom and how it brought up feelings and thoughts about our own life’s journey. Thank you for sharing.
Lisa's Yarns
July 8, 2026 at 12:19 pmMy heart really hurts for you. The tragedy of losing a young person is like no other – especially when the last several years of her life were so unpleasant due to treatments and such. I can see how this loss and the successive loss of Jon’s mom kind of “broke” something in you and made you acutely aware of the fragility of life. I’m sending you lots of love.
San
July 8, 2026 at 1:19 pmYou described it perfectly, Lisa. Thank you. Something “broke” in me last year. I don’t know why it did when it did (because I have lost loved ones before) but I think I am just in a stage of life where things become more apparent and urgent. Yes, the fragility of life!
NGS
July 8, 2026 at 2:50 pmHugs to you, San. I loved hearing about your friend and I hope the memories you have of her bring you great joy.
Tierney
July 8, 2026 at 6:27 pmThis is a beautiful post. Your friend (and friendship!) sound like an amazing presence in your life. I’m thinking of you and wishing you the best. I’m sure you bring a great comfort to her Mom.
Tanja
July 9, 2026 at 4:31 amThis is a beautiful piece discribing your friendship with BF.
To experience that kind of grief means you had something you loved so very much, that it hurts to let go. I hope you can find some freedom knowing you where an amazing friend to BF. And so was she!
Suzanne
July 10, 2026 at 3:46 amSending you all the love, San. Losing a dear friend is incredibly painful, especially when you are distanced from others who might offer you commiseration and comfort. It seems to me that people “understand” loss of a family member much more acutely than they do loss of a friend, especially when they didn’t know her or have a real sense of how important a part of your life she was. That can feel very lonely.
I love that you are able to share memories and feelings with your best friend’s mom. I am also so glad that you were able to hold your friend’s hand and tell her how much she means to you. Please continue to post about her here. xxoo
Stephany
July 10, 2026 at 12:36 pmThis is a beautiful tribute to your friend. I’m sorry you lost her so young, and she battled with cancer for so long. Life can be so cruel and unfair. <3
Tobia | craftaliciousme
July 11, 2026 at 5:33 amWhat a beautiful tribute for your friend. It brought tears to my eyes.
I am so so sorry for your loss and I imagine it is so hard. A friend of 40 years. In your own age. So young.
But I agree. It’s lucky to have someone to miss this much and feel the goodbye.
Michelle G.
July 11, 2026 at 9:10 pmWhat a beautiful post. Having such a special friend is a blessing, and I’m so sorry for your loss. I love that you still talk to your friend and that you talk to her mother about her. Sending you hugs.