My departure is in 7 days, a week from today. It feels like time is flying since my interview at the Embassy. Every day is packed with activities, running errands, seeing people, buying things, and organizing stuff. It feels so weird to think that I’ll be living in a completely different country in a week from now. Sometimes my brain is too small to comprehend. Do you know this feeling, when you clearly know what’s going on in your life, but you can’t wrap your mind around it? I have been thinking about this quite frequently lately and how it seems like I’ve been watching myself from a third person’s perspective.
I hate this. Whenever people are asking me how I feel about my moving and if I am excited that I am going to get on the plane in one week, I want to scream “YES” and “NO” at the same time. Some days I feel like I have a split personality.
I wish I could live two lives at the same time. A part of me would like to stay in Germany, close to my family and friends. I am scared to miss out on time that could be spent with my parents and my sister. I am scared of not being part of their lives anymore as much as I was for the past 10 months. I know it’s stupid, but I am scared of it. Today I went to see my Grandad for a while and before I left, he gave me this really long and tight hug and said that he really is going to miss me and that he hopes that he’ll see me soon again. I felt my eyes fill up with tears and I had a hard time to keep it together. What am I to say? Of course, I hope I’ll come to visit some time soon, but I have no idea right now when this will be. Just thinking about the fact that I won’t be able to see my family and friends as I please, is killing me.
At the same time, I can’t wait to be back together with J. I feel incomplete without him. I am looking forward to starting my life with him in LA, to making a home in our apartment and starting a new job. I want to make new friends and enjoy life there. I am so excited that I have the opportunity to live in a different country, practice a foreign language and broaden my horizon. As tough and frustrating a cross-cultural relationship can be sometimes [especially after months and months of LDR], I am thankful for every minute of it and for the invaluable experience of life.