My departure is in 7 days, a week from today. It feels like time is flying since my interview at the Embassy. Every day is packed with activities, running errands, seeing people, buying things, and organizing stuff. It feels so weird to think that I’ll be living in a completely different country in a week from now. Sometimes my brain is too small to comprehend. Do you know this feeling, when you clearly know what’s going on in your life, but you can’t wrap your mind around it? I have been thinking about this quite frequently lately and how it seems like I’ve been watching myself from a third person’s perspective.
I hate this. Whenever people are asking me how I feel about my moving and if I am excited that I am going to get on the plane in one week, I want to scream “YES” and “NO” at the same time. Some days I feel like I have a split personality.
I wish I could live two lives at the same time. A part of me would like to stay in Germany, close to my family and friends. I am scared to miss out on time that could be spent with my parents and my sister. I am scared of not being part of their lives anymore as much as I was for the past 10 months. I know it’s stupid, but I am scared of it. Today I went to see my Grandad for a while and before I left, he gave me this really long and tight hug and said that he really is going to miss me and that he hopes that he’ll see me soon again. I felt my eyes fill up with tears and I had a hard time to keep it together. What am I to say? Of course, I hope I’ll come to visit some time soon, but I have no idea right now when this will be. Just thinking about the fact that I won’t be able to see my family and friends as I please, is killing me.
At the same time, I can’t wait to be back together with J. I feel incomplete without him. I am looking forward to starting my life with him in LA, to making a home in our apartment and starting a new job. I want to make new friends and enjoy life there. I am so excited that I have the opportunity to live in a different country, practice a foreign language and broaden my horizon. As tough and frustrating a cross-cultural relationship can be sometimes [especially after months and months of LDR], I am thankful for every minute of it and for the invaluable experience of life.
sylvia
November 15, 2006 at 4:51 pmI hear ya hun…I know that feeling all to well… Especially not being able to see your friends and fam as you please.
Im sending tons of positive thoughts and hugs your way and Im sure once your finally in CA the feeling will subside a little and you can enjoy being with J, with knowing you’ll see your fam again soon!
Hugs
Janet
November 15, 2006 at 5:04 pmHugs…I know the feeling, too. Thing is…you can’t have what you want without missing a few things. Hang in there! It’s worth it :-)
Sarah
November 15, 2006 at 7:11 pmI feel for you, and can’t really wrap my own mind around how many mixed feelings you must be having.
It’s gotta be so hard to leave your family.
When Pete and I first admitted our love for each other, I immediately said, “You must know up front. I will NOT move.” LOL.
He had already been living away from his family for 7 years (and his parents had passed away already), so lucky for me he was willing to move to America, a country he never even wanted to visit.
This countdown is very exciting though! I think the reunion with J. will make everything worth it, and then you’ll settle into things and figure out when you can visit your family again. ;-)
Hemlock
November 15, 2006 at 7:17 pmLiving away from family is hard. I know that my situation is very different from your own, but I can at least try to understand.
Just focus on the time you have with them and enjoy it.
Take care San. You’ll be in the US before you know it.
Ulli
November 15, 2006 at 7:58 pmIt’s not easy to combine these things…I know what you mean. You will miss out on things and holidays, you will probably loose a friend or two, but that only taught me who my real friends are. I have very few friends left in Germany and that’s ok. That’s life. You try to keep things alive but sometimes the cord is cut for you…..there will be new friends and new adventures. :)))))
The hardest thing for me are my parents….I have a brother who lives close by, but he isn’t helping very much or as much as he could, I guess…so there is a lot of guilt…and my dad…my dad will be 82 next month. I am terrified of the day i will get that phone call knowing that I have missed out on all those years…HOWEVER, he wants me to be happy, my parents want me to be happy. They know I am happy here and t:), that makes them happy….they know that I love adventure and new places and they know that I can’t live in Germany anymore.
Oh God. long ass comment. sorry! It’s a great adventure with the love of your life.
YAYYYY!!! :))) Mixed feelings about leaving home are totally normal.:)
Maren
November 15, 2006 at 9:11 pmAll the best, honey. You’ll be fine!
Stefanie
November 15, 2006 at 11:40 pmThis is such a weird, confusing, but also amazing time you are going through right now. I still remember when it was time for me to leave Germany…. but now that we are living the Army life, I have gotten used to moving so much, that I can’t wait for the next time we move! :)
Antje
November 16, 2006 at 12:13 amWhen I read your entry my eyes got all watery, because for me it’s so damn hard to be away from my family, too. I really saw myself in what you wrote and every single time I have to say Goodbye again, I feel the way you so well described. Scared and very sad.
But on the other hand I love living with my J. here in Sweden (most of the time). I love every minute I get to spend with him. Our home is here now more than ever, I found new great friends (mostly other foreigners that go through the same) and I have a job I mostely like. But sometimes missing my family is just overwhelming me…
To cut a long comment short, you have such an exciting time ahead of you, starting a new life with your hubby! Time will fly and you will be with your family again soon. I know that this doesn’t make up for not seeing them whenever you please, but there are other great moments you will experience instead that make it all worth it. I wish you all the best for starting your life in CA! Big smoochies!
san
November 16, 2006 at 12:31 amthank you all!!! i can’t describe how thankful i am for your support and understanding. it really means a lot to me.
Tanja
November 16, 2006 at 12:32 amI hear ya…Ich kann Dich sooo gut verstehen. In meinem Buch hab ich ein Kapitel dazu geschrieben: Als Auswanderer wirst Du immer ein Normade zwischen zwei Welten sein. Deiner alten Heimat und Deinem neuen Heim. Die Kunst ist, damit leben zu lernen, denn das Normadenleben muss man sich erst einmal “angewoehnen”.
Es gibt eigentlich drei Phasen der Auswanderung – haben wir durch viele, viele Gespraeche mit anderen Deutschen herausgefunden. Die wirst Du abarbeiten muessen, mit Dir selbst…die ersten 1 1/2 Jahre sind schwer…dann faellt es leichter von der Hand, aber es wird nie leicht sein.
Schicke Dir ganz viel Kraft rueber. Die wirst Du brauchen, um loslassen zu koennen. Nach ein / zwei Stunden heulend im Flugzeug wird es Dir besser gehen, aber leider musst du erst durch den sauharten Teil.
Kopf hoch !!! Du bist ja nicht ganz aus der Welt…nur auf der anderen Seite. ;-))))
Hier ein kleiner Spruch:
Abschied wagen,
Vertrautes verlassen.
Dich nicht an Verlorenes ketten,
Fremdheit aushalten.
Deine Traeume wichtiger nehmen
als Deine Angst.
Hug, Tanja
Sanna
November 16, 2006 at 12:58 amHey Schnuckerl,
life could have been so easy if you wouldn’t have met J, huh? ;-) But it would be a lot less fulfilling probably. Don’t worry, Cali isn’t too far away from Grevenbroich but I totally understand that you are torn between crying and jumping up and down. Don’t forget, it doesn’t have to be an eternal move and every once in a while tickets shouldn’t be that expensive and since you hooked up your family with computers etc you should be able to keep in touch very easily.
*big big big hug*
kerrianne
November 16, 2006 at 12:04 pm7! days. This is all SO exciting. You are going to have the best of both worlds, and the best of two! worlds, as it were. : ) And I hear the world in shrinking. Which is helpful, I think. ; ) Loves to you babe.
Maribeth
November 17, 2006 at 4:32 amI have two perspectives to offer you. First a friend who came here 30 years ago from Germany. She married her love and had two sons. Now her life is here. She goes back to see her parents and siblings once a year. That’s a gift to herself and she doesn’t miss a year. She also uses the Internet phone services for cheap conversations with loved ones in Germany. E-mail is also wonderful. I know it’s not the same, but think of how wonderful this is compared to how it was when my grandfather left Germany and came to this country. A mere letter took a month or more to cross the Atlantic.
My second view is my own. My best friend lives in Berlin. We talk once a week on the phone and we write every day. I go over there or she comes here once a year. It’s hard sometimes because I wish we lived down the lane, but I know in my heart she is always with me.
Hemlock
January 24, 2010 at 12:23 amLiving away from family is hard. I know that my situation is very different from your own, but I can at least try to understand.
Just focus on the time you have with them and enjoy it.
Take care San. You'll be in the US before you know it.