photo credit: @fr0k3 via Unsplash
Rachel shared her thoughts on friendship a little while back, and what a timely post. I had been thinking about friendships myself. Rachel talked about how having twin babies to take care of has really shifted some of her friendships (at least temporarily). It’s interesting to see how different stages of life impact friendships. Times when you naturally used to get together are suddenly unavailable for one reason or another and it requires some creativity to set up new schedules and keep the friendship going.
I commented on Rachel’s post that it’s probably kind of sad to admit – because I am absolutely not a lonely person – that I don’t have any local friends (as in, within a 20-mile radius). There are many reasons. I had a bit of bad luck over the years that many people that I befriended here in the past, eventually moved away. It feels like I’ve been on a constant search for new local friends ever since I moved to California and I am tired. I have a friendly relationship with some of my co-workers, which is nice, but we don’t do anything together outside of work (and I don’t know if I would want to).
I think it’s normal that people will always come and go, some are meant to stay in your life, but it requires effort and a lot of understanding on both sides to make it work. I just realized how nice it was to spend time with my friend from high school recently, how easy it was to reconnect with some college friends that I hadn’t seen in a while, and a long phone call with one of my dearest friends, Kim, recently. And then I also got to spend a weekend with Tanja in May, and I saw my friend Susi (who is close(r), but still a 90+ minute drive away) a few weekends ago, which made me realize how much I miss this effortless face-to-face time with friends.
That easy feeling is just not so easy to come by. Making new friends is hard.
I am tempted to put an ad out (not that I would know how to go about that) that I am “looking for a local friend”, but I am afraid of the responses. What if it’s crickets? That would be disappointing (and sad). What if it’s someone I meet up with and absolutely don’t click with? I hate blowing someone off.
What if it’s someone I grow to like but who doesn’t like me back. Impossible, you say? Well, I had that happen before and I tried not to take it personally because I know it can happen and not everybody is my cup of tea either. In the best case scenario, that feeling is mutual though, but it made me not want to try again for a good while.
The thing is, I have so many wonderful people in my life, I technically don’t “need” any more friends, and don’t even know if I have the bandwidth for more people. It’s hard enough to keep up with and regularly connect with the people that are near and dear to my heart already. But the problem is that none of them are local to me and I’d really like to have someone that I can call up for a coffee or walk to the park.
And let me tell you about another hindrance to making friends as an adult: being child-free in your 40s. It’s an awkward spot to be in. I mean, it’s a lot more common these days, in fact, I have quite a few girlfriends that don’t have kids, but it’s still more likely than not that most other 40-somethings do. And don’t get me wrong, it’s not an impossibility to befriend them. I love kids, I get along great with my friends’ kids, and some of their kids are already old enough that they don’t need constant supervision, but still, in many ways their lives are just so different from my own.
I know, I know, if nothing changes, nothing changes. And also, nothing happens in your comfort zone. I realize that. Maybe I am going to join a run club, or seek out other Pelotoners in the area (although that is harder to do). Maybe I’ll try to see if MeetUp is still a thing (although the reading/knitting group I belonged to a few years ago did not yield any lasting friendships either. Sigh.)
Do you think there’s a chance for teleportation to be a thing anytime soon?
Noemí
September 4, 2024 at 5:01 pmFinding new friends is hard, especially as an adult. I struggled so much with it in my 30s. I even went to some “Find a friend” workshops with the author of a popular (at the time) book on friendship (I think it had Circles in the title?) We had to go to the workshop and then we were supposed to commit to meeting up with a couple people. I feel like one person never showed and the other one did for a few meet ups but eventually we stopped trying to get together. It definitely felt like a low point in my life.
It was just pure luck that I happened to “bubble” with some women whose daughters were friends with my daughter during the pandemic and who I really liked. I think we only became friends because they literally couldn’t see all their other friends or family in the area during that year. They all had much bigger friend networks in the area, and I literally needed a pandemic to get my foot in the door with them.
So yeah I don’t have a lot of advice, just a reminder that finding a friend that has the same interests and availability (and is looking for the same kind of time commitment) is so much about luck. It sucks, but I think it’s true. I do think trying to find other Peloton peeps or people to run with is a great way to start, because you are already so good at committing to those activities. And even if it doesn’t work out with them, at lease you’ll get in a work out! ;)
You seem to have an awesome community here, and I know they helps. Those years when I was desperate for a friend I had a very big blogging community and it was truly a lifeline. I even met up IRL with many of them! Most of those people stopped blogging, but I am so thankful to have had that community when I did. It meant everything to me.
San
September 9, 2024 at 7:13 pmThanks so much for sharing your experience, Noemi. I really appreciate you chiming in and I agree, there is a lot of luck and “being at the right place at the right time” involved.
I think a running group is my best bet to meet people right now and you are right, “even if it doesn’t work out with them, at lease I’ll get in a work out!” Haha. Very true!
I failed to mention it but of course this blogging community means the world to me, you included.
April
September 4, 2024 at 5:55 pmI feel ALL of this. As soon as someone announces a pregnancy it’s like, okay good knowing you. The biggest issue is it’s easy enough to meet someone and get along for the duration of what brought you together (knitting club, book club, sitting next to them at an event), it’s keeping it going frequently enough in a way that doesn’t seem weird or too try-hard. I have been in a book club I found on meetup.com for almost a year now and have never hung out with any of the other members one on one or outside of the book club meeting time. I don’t think we know how to do that collectively anymore.
San
September 9, 2024 at 7:15 pmApril, thanks for stopping by and sharing your own thoughts. I appreciate this so much. I am sorry you’ve also been struggling with this a little bit. Have you invited any of the bookclub members for a one-on-one?
Elisabeth
September 4, 2024 at 6:09 pmFriendship is hard. And I will admit that the majority of my in-person friends have come in to my life via two ways: motherhood and my faith.
I met so many women at kid events (at the library, at school dropoff) that have become close friends. I can see how it would seem hard to make (or keep) deep friendships with someone that has kids since it really does end up being a dominant part of their lives.
And then faith. So many incredible friendships have started after meeting at church for myself and the kids. I think like with the motherhood thing above, our faith automatically connects us.
So along those lines, I think finding some common thread – a running group, a local Pelaton crew, a book club etc are great ways to meet new people. Though I also think we can have full and enriched lives without local friends. Thanks to the digital age, blog friends and long-distance friendships can really help bridge the gap. I think the hardest part of virtual friendships is the lack of on-the-ground interaction. You can’t bring a lasagne to a friend on a tough day when they’re on another continent. Or grab a coffee, as you say.
One piece of advice I WOULD give, is if you can think of someone you’d like to be friends with…reach out. I’ve gotten much better about this over the years. A few times I have secretly wished I could spend time with a person. When I summoned up courage to ask them to coffee, they usually say yes. A few times, it ended up that we didn’t “click” and I realized it wasn’t going to be a friendship that had much depth. But I’ve also made some wonderful connections this way. Maybe you don’t have anyone on your radar that you think might be a good fit, but if you do, I want you to encourage you to go for it!!!!
I hope you find some local friendships that flourish and bring joy into your life, but I’m also so glad you have such a deep and rich and nuanced life. You’re very intentional about pursuing things that reflect your core values and that shines through <3
Nicole MacPherson
September 5, 2024 at 4:34 amReaching out! This is the key, Elisabeth. It’s a vulnerable thing, because there is always the chance of rejection, but I find most people WANT to meet people but are reluctant to take that step. So, I figure, I can be the person to reach out.
San
September 9, 2024 at 7:17 pmYes, you’re so right… I failed to mention it but I am absolutely not lonely (just alone sometimes ;)) because of this amazing online community. Blog friends and long distance friends really bridge the gap – I just wish we had some “ground interaction” occasionally. Thanks for your encouragement to keep reaching out. I know that this is what I have to do… I’ve been burned a few times in the past, but I hope to find the courage to keep doing it again.
Birchie
September 4, 2024 at 7:50 pmI don’t have the answer, but I have the problem. I don’t have very many local friends, and it’s really tough to meet people. At the beginning of the year someone in my town started a WFH lunch club, and it was fun to meet people but I haven’t stayed in touch with anyone and the club fizzled out. I chat with pretty much any dog owner that I meet to trade stories, but again nothing lasting.
Also I’ve gotten spoiled with meeting Cool Bloggers – how do you even get to know someone if they’re not writing all of their thoughts on the internet? And why don’t these people live closer to me????????????????????
San
September 9, 2024 at 7:18 pmOh Birchie, we’re definitely very spoiled by the Cool Bloggers and I am so, so happy that you were able to meet some of them in person. What a gift! Haha, right, and how do we even get to know someone if they’re not writing their thoughts on the internet? ;)
coco
September 4, 2024 at 8:10 pmI am reading life council (the book from the 10 things to tell you host) and that’s called daily friend, friends that you share daily things with, so has to be local. I also don’t have that anymore as my bestie from work who I hang out after work moved earlier this year so I literally have no friends in jakarta. I think this kind of friendship is good to have but not essential. I don’t feel lonely as I have my family to spend time with which I prefer. My best friends are all far away that I rarely see them but always a call away. I never had many friends but those that i have are very close in heart and I know we will age together, so I never needed to find new friends if that makes sense.
The book is giving me a lot of thoughts on friendship, which I am getting more appreciation of as I age. will write about it once I finish the book.
San
September 9, 2024 at 7:21 pmYou’ve moved so often, Coco, I am sure you can relate to having awesome friends in a lot of different places, just not locally! I am happy to hear that you also don’t feel lonely because you have your family and you don’t really miss having friends that you see regularly. I think the most important part is the bond with the friends that you already have!
Tanja Jordan
September 5, 2024 at 12:26 amIt’s hard to find new friends with similar interests an adult! I get this!
Even though I have friends near by, we don’t share the same interests anymore (have grown apart over the years in that area) and therefore we don’t meet up that often anymore. I think it’s rare to have this best friend, with the same interests, nearby. The older I get the more the word „acquaintance“ comes into play.
San
September 9, 2024 at 7:22 pmThanks for sharing your thoughts, friend. You know you’re one of the people why I don’t feel lonely. You’re always just a Whatsapp away <3
Kyria @ Travel Spot
September 5, 2024 at 3:07 amThis is a lot to unpack! Did you ever read MWF Seeking BFF? It really resonated with me when I read it as she talks about a lot of the same struggles you are talking about. For me, when I moved back to the Bay area, it took me a while to find some good friends, and they came in the form of a running club. There’s nothing like a hour plus run or a car ride to a race to cement a relationship. And obviously I didn’t click as hard with some people over others but it ended up getting me those few really good local friends. However, I would not set your expectations too high, as most of them I would not see daily, but maybe on a weekly run or maybe only once a month. However, I do think the group setting helps lower the pressure of needing to make friends with one specific person. I think there is a run club in Sacramento called Buffalo something and they complete against the club I was in (Pamakids). There are not always organized weekly runs but you know most people are out running at least once a week and most will not mind if you join! Also there are probably CIM training groups so you’ve got a good reason to meet up with them right now!!
San
September 9, 2024 at 7:24 pmYes, I have read MWF Seeking BFF and the thought of treating it like “dating” was terrifying to me – haha – although I do think that there are similarities.
I know that a run club is probably my best bet of finding like-minded people and do something that I already love doing on a regular basis. I am doing the virtual CIM training (because their group run times didn’t work for me) but I’ve been making it a point to going to some of the local events that Fleet Feet organizes, so we’ll see if something comes of that!
Nicole MacPherson
September 5, 2024 at 4:33 amOh San, I wish so much you were in my neighbourhood because I’m always up for a walk or coffee. I was so worried that when I moved here I would have no friends, and I have been very lucky to land in a lovely circle with women who are all in my stage of life – similar age, grown children. That said, I met an amazing new friend who is childfree and we get along like a house on fire. I think the key for me was just being open to meeting, and also I threw a few parties/ dinners/ girls nights in the first six months of living here. So if you were to join a run club or something similar, chances are there are people who are in your exact same boat. I have found that to make and keep friendships I have had to be quite proactive. It really helps to find someone in a similar stage of life too, with similar interests. I wonder if you checked your facebook for local groups, if you could find in-person meetups and go from there.
Again, wish you were here as I’m having the girls over tomorrow for drinks on the deck! I’d make you the best margarita. xo
San
September 9, 2024 at 7:26 pmNicole, you know how much I adore you and I’d love to walk and have coffee with you. Sigh. Why can’t Kelowna be closer?? I am not surprised you found a new groups of friend so quickly (you’re such a social butterfly) but I still must ask, how did you meet that circle of women?
I think being proactive is key and I haven’t been for a while, but I am willing to try a few things and I think a run club would be the perfect setup for me.
Meike
September 5, 2024 at 5:51 amI feel all of this and don’t really have an answer either. I just came back from a visit home and my SIL has this best friend she meets with almost daily and constantly chats. Two of their girls are best friends, their husbands are friends – I am a little jelaous. Sometimes it’s just luck. I have this one mom friend who started going to dance workout classes and she really met her crowd there. I guess the best thing is to get out there and just see what happens.
San
September 9, 2024 at 7:57 pmOh, I didn’t know you also feel this, Meike, I thought you might be plugged into the German Community in the Bay Area through your kids. But yeah, sometimes socializing and really connecting with someone is not the same, is it?
Ernie
September 5, 2024 at 7:47 amSan – I so appreciate you writing about this. It seems strange to admit to not having many local friends, but I am in a similar situation and it isn’t easy. I feel for you, because I do think many women meet and connect because they have same-aged children. We switched our biological kids from private to public school in 2012-ish and our friendships shifted. We met people at the new school, but many of them were already in tight knit groups. Everyone was friendly, but we weren’t necessarily ‘part of the group.’ We also found that many of them liked to party more than we did and once they didn’t have kids in our school anymore (and we STILL did), they moved on. The other friends from our old school are still nearby, but we were out of sight (not at school functions) out of mind. Coach talks to people all day and he’d rather not be social in his free time. I chat with babies all day, and I’m ready for social time on the weekends. It’s also hard for us, because we’re so busy trying to keep up that by the time a window presents itself – it’s too late to reach out to people and ask if they can get together (that issue relates more to being social as a couple). I like some of the ideas here. Similar to Meike, my SIL and BIL have an amazing tight knit group of friends, so many of them went to college together and live near one another. I’m envious of those kinds of situations. I think it does have something to do with luck. I wish we lived closer. Like Birchie – I’m so grateful for the blog friends I’ve made. Many of them have really gotten to know me and are so supportive. Good luck. I hope you click with local friends soon. xo
San
September 9, 2024 at 8:01 pmThanks so much for sharing your experience, Ernie. I am not happy about it, but I feel seen and heard by others sharing that they struggle too. I can imagine that you crave adult interaction after taking care of kids all day, but you also have a very busy life with your family and it’s hard to fit in quality time with other people, let alone making the effort to meet new ones. This blogging community really is so special and I love having you all around!
Kim
September 5, 2024 at 10:03 amI feel you. I have so many virtual friends but not many here. At least, not that I connect to in the same way. Holding out for that teleportation too LOL.
San
September 9, 2024 at 8:01 pmI had no idea you also don’t have many local friends, Kim! You always seem to be doing stuff with friends and are so social! Teleportation would make things easier for sure…
SHU
September 5, 2024 at 11:44 amRUNNING!!! You need a running group or friend. It is instant bonding. I bet you could find someone local who is approximately your pace. HIGHLY recommend. (If you haven’t run with others and feel hesitant about it, TRY IT before you knock it. I love being alone sometimes with my podcasts but having some days be with friends has added such a lovely dimension.
San
September 9, 2024 at 8:02 pmI know you’re right, Sarah. A running group is my best bet! I am trying to plug into the local Fleet Feet community a bit more.
Lisa's Yarns
September 5, 2024 at 12:36 pmI can relate to what you are feeling. Some of my local friendships have shifted in the last year plus and I think much of that is due to the fact their youngest children are around Paul’s age. They don’t have a Taco so they have moved on from nap routines and such. We also live in a different neighborhood and one friend in particular has a number of friends in her neighborhood so we don’t get together as often even though we still live quite close. I feel like I am often the one reaching out which can get tiring. But I want to have local friends! My best friends don’t live close to me either, though. I think of Amber from Canada as my absolute best friend but we don’t talk as often as we used to since we are so busy with kids and such and have a 1-2 year time difference (which is nothing compared to the time differences you deal with!!). My sister is also someone I consider a best friend and now that she lives in the DC area I am hoping to see her more often as that is a region that I cover for work.
I also recommend checking out a running group. I know you like to run solo but I made excellent friends through my running group. I ran with one woman in particular and she got engaged the winter after we trained for a marathon. I went to her wedding shower and they did a “how well do you know the bride” game and I took 2nd place even though I had known her for the least amount of time by far! So you can really make strong friendships through running communities. Now she has 3 kids and I have 2 so we don’t see each other very much. Similarly, I used to have a good friend across the street that I ran with several times a week and then she moved! She’s still in my book club but I don’t see her outside of that since we live 20+ minutes away and she has 3 kids who are in lots of activities! So TLDR, it’s complicated.
San
September 9, 2024 at 8:05 pmThank you so much for sharing your experience, Lisa. I know that sometimes even with kids it can be difficult to find or maintain friendships when you’re in the thick of raising kids. I want to you know, I think you’re doing an excellent job trying to carve out this friend time for yourself. I am always happy to hear when you ran with a friend or met up for dinner. I loved the story about the friend you made at a run club… that it so cool that you took 2nd place in how well you knew the bride LOL (you must have chatted a lot during your runs! ;))
Anne
September 5, 2024 at 4:06 pmOh, San. I really wish I were at UC Davis. We have so much in common – child free, in our 40s, not near our families, work from home a decent percentage of time… I don’t need to see someone every day but you are absolutely right. Work “friends” are not the same. People who have kids don’t have the bandwidth, necessarily. Etc. I am going to email you because I don’t want to get too personal, but please know that I feel all of this so much. Hugs.
NGS
September 8, 2024 at 1:46 pmNo, Anne!! You have to stay here. You can’t go somewhere else!!
San
September 9, 2024 at 8:07 pmHaha. I get it, Engie. I wouldn’t want to let her go either.
San
September 9, 2024 at 8:07 pmOh Anne, how wonderful it would be if you were at UC Davis and we could just meet up regularly. (A girl can dream.) I definitely also don’t need to see someone every day. I am an introvert (like you) and treasure my alone time as well, but I also do appreciate deeper connections.
Rachel
September 5, 2024 at 9:37 pmOh San I’m so interested in this post! It made me remember how hard I found it to make friends whenI lived in the states too… I did make a few but it was also easier because I was childless in my 30s. And often people would say “oh xyz person had a kid and now we don’t see then” which is a complicated but legit thing… kids give a weirdly inbuilt social network, or at least it gives the chance to make a lot of pretty crappy friendship “bids”. When I was trying to arrange social events when I didn’t have kids it was hard to compete with the whole world of oppertunity… I remember one weekend planning a hiking trip and then at the last minute some of the people I was trying to go with decided to go kayaking instead. It was really hard to get people to commit to things. Or maybe it was just me. Anyways I lived in the same US city for a year and a half and feel like I made only two friends. And also it was quite a bit of work. I don’t know why that is – I wonder if it’s partly as you said – your life is filled with fun stuff already so it’s not like you *need* local friends to fill it. But also perhaps you could give a local running or marathon group a try if you can find one?
All this long comment is to say thank you for sharing these thoughts and I’m glad it’s not me that ruminates on this stuff. I had actually forgotten writing that blog post too.
Rachel
September 5, 2024 at 9:40 pmJust realized i meant to say that I think friend making was easier while childless in my early 30s because people my age were not yet having kids, or if they were having kids it was like they were leaving the cool non-parent club we were in (I don’t mean to offend parents in their 30s, that’s just how I saw myself back then). But I Imagine that club is smaller in your 40s just because of time and biology. I think it would be really hard to make new friends with parents of young kids if you didn’t have kids just because the parents are so IN IT that it’s probalby hard to look up, and at the same time if people have kids later then you’re right in their busy years time right now. Oh it’s so complicated.
San
September 9, 2024 at 8:18 pmThank you Rachel for your insights. I think you nailed it: it’s complicated. There are so many factors that impact if someone is open/ready to take on a new friendship. I often felt that I was trying to befriend people who already had a circle of friends and didn’t need any more, you know? So it was hard to become part of that group. I was invited a few times but always felt like the fifth wheel… and I completely understand that young mothers often don’t have the bandwidth for new friendships, or only connect with other moms because they share the same situation. I know I have to just keep trying and being open. A running group is probably my best bet because running is something that I am already doing and like Noemi said, if nothing works out, at least I got a workout in LOL
NGS
September 6, 2024 at 6:37 amI have found it really hard to make new friends as an adult. I haven’t made any friends I would call to bail me out of jail at two in the morning since I was in college. And I think that’s natural? I also don’t really have anyone I could just call for a coffee date tomorrow morning if I wanted to meet someone. But I have friends I text regularly! Dear friends!
It is hard right now to not have children in terms of people I know who live nearby. I saw earlier that Elisabeth was talking about making the first move and reaching out and I do that (invitation to the dog park! to get coffee!), but I get turned down most of the time. Maybe it’s me (I am A LOT)? Maybe it’s just their schedules (why spend their limited free time with someone they aren’t great friends with)? But I will keep making the effort and putting out invitations and someday the children will leave the house and maybe those acquaintances will become closer friends when they have more time? I don’t know.
It’s a tough thing is this modern age, isn’t it?
San
September 9, 2024 at 8:22 pmI agree with you that it’s probably natural to not make any more lasting friendships once we get out of college, just because other things (work/family) become more of a priority and we can’t spend as much time on building friendships. Because I moved so far away from home, I have made new friends as an adult but these people are not local and I’ve gotten to know them through writing (blog/emails).
Many have chimed in and said that we have to keep reaching out to people and it’s wonderful that you’re trying to do that (even if you get turned down – doesn’t that discourage you though? I find it so hard to feel rejected. I cannot imagine that it’s you, but rather that people aren’t looking for new friends.
NGS
September 10, 2024 at 8:32 amOh, it is very discouraging, San. I spend a lot of time wondering if it’s me that’s the problem? I try to recognize (rationalize?) that I am not everyone else’s priority and they have other things to do, but it’s hard to put myself out there and be turned down a lot. I mean, I am relatively used to rejection at this point, but it’s tough.
BUT, like you, I feel so lucky to be part of this blogging community and we really wouldn’t be here without you, San, holding down the fort and building relationships.
Anne
September 10, 2024 at 2:57 amDude. I would bail you out of jail. Both of you, if it were a joint jailing of you and Dr. BB. ;)
Michelle G.
September 6, 2024 at 11:20 amI’m quite an introvert, so I don’t tend to seek out in-person friendships. Online friendships are the best thing going! But I think that joining groups where you have a common interest is a great way to start—and of course, a running or exercise club would be perfect for you! But also, if you don’t have the bandwidth or energy to make new friends, there’s nothing wrong with that. Another thought – pets also make nice friends! 🤣❤️
San
September 9, 2024 at 8:22 pmMichelle, I totally agree with you – online friendships are the best. You guys are my lifeline! :)
Tierney
September 6, 2024 at 12:28 pmI will come back to read this when I have more time because the comments section is gold. So many thoughtful responses. Similar, to you, I don’t have many local friends and the ones I do have took a long time to develop. Yes, being childfree makes it difficult to not have the built in parent networks. Also, our friends tend to have had kids rather late, so they’re still pretty distracted by keeping their children rather than adult conversation. I think this is the correct priority, of course, but it makes some encounters less fulfilling. This advice is a few years old, but MeetUp was pretty good for hiking/running groups. In addition, there is a national group called “Ladies with no babies” that I hung out with in Virginia and San Diego. Strangely, I didn’t find a chapter here but it was a pretty fun and eclectic group of women. I’m also a big fan. of book clubs. Unless they love My Brilliant Friend (putting this in as an Easter Egg for NGS, hahahaha).
San
September 9, 2024 at 8:26 pmYes, I was definitely overwhelmed by so many thoughtful responses to this post and a bit surprised that many people struggle with a lack of local friends. I didn’t expect that, but it makes me feel a little better. I failed to mention that the online friendships fill a huge void for me and I truly never feel lonely (just alone sometimes). I haven’t head of “Ladies with no babies’, but I might have to google that :)
NGS
September 10, 2024 at 8:34 amI will defend My Brilliant Friend!! I will not bow down to the haters!! :)
Stephany
September 7, 2024 at 9:19 amPosts like this make me just want to smush our cities together so we could just have all of these bloggy friendships IRL. It’s hard not having local friends, I totally get it. I feel SO lucky to have found my book club when I did because they have been my core friend group since my mid-20s. Have you heard of Bumble BFF? It’s sort of like a “friend dating” app where you just try to find friends! My friend Amber found one of her best friends through that app! I haven’t had a lot of luck but maybe things are different where you are! I would encourage giving it a try and just seeing what is out there. Building friendships is a lot like dating, haha, it takes a lot of work and luck and putting yourself out there. Joining a run club or looking for different Meetup groups could also be helpful!
You know what would be fun? A sort of “virtual coffee date” with all of our blog friends. We could just have a standing date on Zoom for people to join when they can, and we all just come on and chat and connect! Hmmm, thinking, thinking…
Kyria @ Travel Spot
September 7, 2024 at 3:30 pmStephany, I think that’s a great idea! Maybe have every other week but the first one is a bit earlier and the second a bit later so that it would accommodate different evening schedules.
Anne
September 7, 2024 at 3:54 pmOooh, LOVE this idea, Kyria and Stephany. It would be so much fun to meet you all virtually.
San
September 9, 2024 at 8:38 pmStephany, you’re genius! A virtual coffee date for the Cool Bloggers. Wouldn’t that be something! I am sure we’re all doing plenty of Zoom calls for work (and I do a lot of FaceTime and Skype with friends), but what’s one more if I can see people I genuinely like. We definitely have to think about this!! I love it.
Re: Bumble BFF, I hadn’t heard of it. It’s like a dating app for friends. Mmh. Interesting. I might have to look. Thank you for the suggestion (and btw, I am so happy for you that you have such a cool group of girlfriends!)
Ally Bean
September 8, 2024 at 9:55 am“I befriended here in the past, eventually moved away. It feels like I’ve been on a constant search… and I am tired.”
I could have written that sentence. Like you finding friends has been difficult for me. I live in an area where people who are from here aren’t the most welcoming and those who move here from elsewhere usually move on. It’s the land of corporate gypsies. I used to fret about it but have come to realize that I’m happy with the person I am so if this is how I came to be me, so be it.
San
September 9, 2024 at 8:39 pmAlly, I am sorry to hear you’ve also struggled to find friends where you live… but from what I know about you, you’re also not a lonely person (or are you?) and connect with a lot of friends online!
J
September 8, 2024 at 1:00 pmSigh. I feel you on this, so so much. I have my blog friends, and I have neighbors that I genuinely like a lot, but we never socialize. Maybe we need to do that? I have my BFF from high school, who lives 3,000 miles away. I have my friends from college, who live in New York and Texas. I have some close friends from a job I had in 1998-2000 (Interesting because there are 4 of us, and at the time, two were childless, two had young kids…maybe it worked because we saw each other every day at work, away from the kids), and the one I’m closest to moved to Pennsylvania. The other two are technically close enough to get together with, but not spontaneously and we never can manage to make it happen…one is in school again, one is having a health crisis bad enough that she can’t even have me bring her lunch. I have a friend I get together with sometimes, but she lives a little over an hour away, so not often.
When my daughter was younger, I made friends with some of the parents in her girl scout troop, but those were surface level friendships and faded away when the girls got older. My husband and I were friends for awhile with another couple who were parents of one of my daughter’s friends, and that was nice, though we didn’t really have much in common with them. They moved away without telling us, so I guess we weren’t even as close as I thought we might be.
My husband has some friends (one couple) who we get together with sometimes, which is really nice. Other than that, it’s mostly my online friendships, which I cherish. But I really do miss having friends I can go for a walk with, go to lunch with, that kind of thing.
I love the idea of Stephany’s virtual coffee date! That would be really fun.
San
September 9, 2024 at 8:43 pmJulie, our situations feel so similar… most of my close friends are thousands of miles away and it sucks. The good thing is that when we see each other, it’s always so easy to pick up where we left off! Do you miss having close local friendships? Maybe you can reach out to your neighbors and see what happens? Sometimes people assume that others are not interested and don’t make the first move, but if both sides don’t make the first move, they might miss out on a great friendship!
Making friends as a couple is also not that easy (let’s not get into it) but I still think it’s shitty the couple that you socialized with didn’t even tell you when they moved. I am sorry. It’s the worst when you feel closer to someone than feel to you.
Melissa
September 8, 2024 at 8:41 pmI agree that making friends as adults is hard. Most of the friends I made as an adult were either through the kids or at church. I see a few people have suggested joining a running club and that is the main other place that we have formed close friendships in the last few years. We have gone away with various combinations of people from our running group for holidays, often to destination races, and we also run together (obviously) and have meals together. That being said, I know that our group is particularly social as running groups go, but I’m sure you should be able to make a few friends this way.
San
September 9, 2024 at 8:44 pmThank you for chiming in, Melissa. I think a running group would be the best bet for me. I just haven’t committed yet, but with my marathon training in full swing, I have started joining more local Fleet Feet (run store) events and maybe that will get me more involved :)