The little reminders


Today is my great-aunt’s birthday. She would have turned 91.

It’s hard to accept that I won’t be able talk to her today. In a way, since I’ve lived so far away form her for so many years already, she’s still over there somehow.

This morning, I remembered the pashmina scarf. It was a gift to her two Christmases ago and the only item I claimed back immediately when we cleared out her apartment.

It’s dark teal. My favorite color.

It has been sitting on my bedroom dresser ever since I returned back to California and for the first time this morning, I picked it up again, held it in my hands for a few seconds before I buried my face in it. The sensation was quite overwhelming, as her smell is still clinging to every fiber of this scarf. Funny how that works. It hit me like a fist punch to my nose, my eyes started to water and tears escaped the corners of my eyes, while simultaneously the soft scarf caressed my cheeks like her loving hands so often did.

I wonder if I can find a sealed box somewhere in which I can store the scarf, afraid that it will eventually, with time, lose the precious smell that is so dear to me and evokes such raw, but beautiful emotions now that she’s gone.

Why is grief so freakin’ hard?


  1. Ah, sweetie, I am so sorry for you and I can imagine how hard it must be, especially today on her birthday! I am sure she is there somewhere watching over you and she knows how much you care! Hugs xxx

  2. I’m sorry you’re struggling with grief, San. But don’t beat yourself up over it. Grief isn’t supposed to be easy! Allow yourself this time and as much as you need to mourn your loss. It wasn’t that long ago when your great aunt passed, so take your time with accepting it.


  3. This is a really beautiful post, San. I am so sorry for all you are dealing with. The process of grieving over losing someone I was close to is something I have not yet had to experience. I’m glad you’re writing about it, though, because I imagine it is cathartic and helpful in dealing with all the emotions.

    Thinking of you! <3

  4. Grief is so random and hits you at times and in ways that you’d least expect it. But, remind yourself that your grief is a reminder of what a wonderful person your great aunt Ina was and what a huge impact she had on your life.

  5. “When someone you love becomes a memory, the memory becomes a treasure” – Ina will always be locked in your hard! Stay strong!

  6. aw friend i am so sorry. i know this isn’t easy at all but i’m sending lots of love and hugs your way. xo

  7. I wish I knew the right words to offer comfort in a time like this. I’m so sorry that your heart is aching. Your great aunt will always be with you because of everything she taught you and the love she shared with you. Keep talking to her, even if she feels far away. Hugs, friend.

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