So much for keeping connected. Ugh. March was forever long, am I right?
You probably noticed that I’ve completely thrown my blogging schedule out the window. No Link Love, no Currently post, no Monthly Favorites, no Monthly recap in March. My ambitious mind wants me to sit down and process my feelings at the end of each day, but that is just not happening. I can’t tell you how many times I opened the editor and sat in front of a blinking cursor, only to shut the laptop again.
As much as I am still reading blogs (and look forward to it as a welcome distraction), all I want to hear about – really – is how everybody’s doing. I am (mostly) skipping all the – I am sure – well-intended suggestions of what to do with “all my free time” (which, in all honesty, I don’t really have any more of, do you?) and I am also not really into the “let’s pretend nothing happened”-posts that talk about frivolous things that I don’t have any brain space for right now. I am looking for the posts that are written from the heart; or the depth of your anxiety, depending on the day.
I want to say that my overall anxiety is (still) relatively low. I am not freaking out at every turn. I sleep okay. I don’t dread every single second of every day. I am trying to be smart and stay smart about possible exposure. We only leave the house for groceries and a daily run or walk. We stay away from people as much as we can. I have limited my media consumption. I think that’s helping. (No really, I hope you’re not listening to the daily press briefings, because #JFC.)
However, this stay at home order does not really provide me with ample free time to process and neatly package my feelings. I can’t – and refuse to – think more than two days ahead and contemplating the next few months or this summer or what comes after *this*, scares me. In fact, if you want to know the truth, this is what my brain feels like at the end of any given day right now. Looks familiar?
I’ve been working from home for more than two weeks now. I established some sort of new routine, although the jury is still out if putting on real pants for my workday will make me more productive than staying in my yoga pants.
I am still working my regular hours, I am exercising, cooking (and baking) and keeping up with the chores (if only barely). But beyond that, I can’t muster the energy to take on new projects. My anxiety (isn’t that what we’re all experiencing right now?) around our current situation mostly manifests in extreme physical fatigue. Every few days, I find myself collapsing onto the couch after dinner and falling asleep within minutes.
I am so tired.
You know, sometimes, I wake up in the morning and for a split second, everything feels normal. Juuust before I realize, nope, this was not just a bad dream. We have been, are, and will continue to be living through this pandemic for the foreseeable future.
In the grand scheme of things, I can’t – and shouldn’t really – complain, and I realize that this post sounds much “heavier” than I intended it to be. I still have my job and we’re okay financially. We’re healthy and we can get out for runs/walks. It could be a lot worse.
To end on a positive note, here a few good things that happened in the last couple of weeks:
+ I’ve been having way more FaceTime conversations with my parents (we used to just talk on the phone) and sometimes with multiple members of my family, everyone from on their own couch, and I am once more so thankful for technology. I wouldn’t know what to do without it.
+ I’ve been in touch with some friends that I hadn’t talked to in a while, and while I kinda hate that this happened because of the pandemic, I am grateful for re-connecting with them.
+ I’ve started writing letters again with a friend and let me tell you, it’s a ray of sunshine on a cloudy day to find a real letter in the mail these days.
Tell me one positive thing that happened in your world.
I promise, I’ll try to check in more often. Maybe even write a post, just for fun.
(May you and your coffee) be strong, friends.